Load A whole of trouble

The right way to load the dishwasher is one of the top reasons couples fight, according to studies, writes Karen Nimmo.

Take a closer look at your dishwasher. It sits innocently under the kitchen bench, but it may be love’s biggest troublemaker. Battles over domestic chores flare up in many relationships. But how to load the dishwasher is one of the top five reasons couples fight, according to studies. Who knew?

Actually, I had a pretty good idea. Over the years I have had a few clients – men and women – complain about their partners’ dishwasher stacking style.

They are almost embarrassed about raising something that seems pedantic – and they know it is taking up too much emotional energy – but it is a conflict they can’t seem to shake or find a way to resolve.

I was reminded of this common domestic battle during the trial of former Manchester United football star Ryan Giggs this year. He had been accused of assault and controlling behaviour by a former partner. During their time together he had called a family meeting about how to load the dishwasher. Apparently he was really particular about his technique.

Giggs’ alleged behaviour is unacceptable, but being particular is more common than you might think. There are many ways it can cause strife.

The eternal ‘‘rinse or not to rinse’’ debate is top of the list but there is more. Should you scrape before rinsing? Should knives and forks point up or down? Where to put the flatware? How to keep glasses stable (so they don’t tip and fill with foul water). Wash a half load or full? Save water with an eco-wash or go full cycle?

And those issues occur when both partners are up to the task. Some people complain that their partners don’t go near the dishwasher – or any chores for that matter,which is another issue altogether.

But back to the dishwasher wars. Here are some things to think about.

It is not about the dishwasher

Don’t fling filthy dishes in anywhere just because you know you partner hates it or you are angry at them for something else.

It is going too far to say what happens around the dishwasher is a metaphor for love. But if you are regularly locking horns over this, it is usually a sign of what is going on underneath or the general stress levels in the household.

Are your dishwasher battles a new thing, or have they escalated because one or both of you is under more pressure? Where is that stress coming from? And how could you healthily release some of it? Also people are different.For some, cleaning and tidying (including dishwasher stacking) may be a means of controlling anxiety. So a badly loaded dishwasher becomes a genuine source of distress. Try to identify why your mismatch in stacking techniques is a problem.

Be flexible and reasonable

Conflict, or unhappiness, causes us to behave badly. All of us. And the danger of that is that we slip into behaviours designed to annoy or upset our partners, rather than approaching disagreements fairly. So don’t be stubborn or defiant in your approach to loading the dishwasher.

Don’t fling filthy dishes in anywhere just because you know you partner hates it or you are angry at them for something else.

That is a reflection on you and where you are at in your life. And don’t scream and shout because the teaspoons are facing the wrong way. Because there is more than one way to do anything – even dishes. In her research, American family therapist Virginia Satir found 250 ways to attack the task. So you have options. Be flexible.

Bring the family together

I am not advocating for the Ryan Giggs approach to domestic chores – because his issues are so not about the dishwasher – but having everyone on the same page about how to go about any chore can be helpful.

Even better if your family meeting is a regular one, in which you include what is going right in the household as well as what is wrong.

A little praise goes a long way.

Pick your domestic battles

When my clients comment that dishwasher stacking is a trivial issue to fight over, I don’t disagree with them. Is it really something to die in the ditch over? Probably not.

It is more important to consider the state of your relationship as a whole. If heated dishwasher stacking fights are symbolic of your partnership and domestic life, take note. But if – aside from that – there is a lot of goodwill in the relationship, you just need to negotiate your differences.

The most important thing is what is happening between the fights. Can you work through a conflict? Do you generally get on well? Do you still laugh and have fun? The general vibe of the household is your biggest clue.

So if it is your turn to load the dishwasher, do it calmly and reasonably. And, if that doesn’t work and a battle erupts, remember that three-quarters of the people in the world don’t even have dishwashers. That is something to think about.