One night out channel-surfing
In the TV coverage of the election, the English language fared worse than any political party.
Change was in the air on election night, but there was not a lot to show for it in the end that didn’t involve the most unchanging item in national politics, Winston Peters. In Russell, he amused himself by savaging passing media. Three’s Lloyd Burrspotted Jenny Shipley up there. “Why is she here?” he foolishly asked.
“Why don’t you ask her?” snapped Winston. “I didn’t organise it. We’re not here to worry about some passé former Prime Minister …” Etc.
He really doesn’t give a fig, which was almost refreshing during an evening spent toggling between
TVNZ and Three: Mike Hosking rattling away like a defective Gatling gun or Duncan Garner on red alert, though he appeared near-comatose next to Paddy Gower. “We’re in for an absolute roller coaster!” raved Paddy over-optimistically. Should we need our hands held, Paddy was our man. “There will be some chaotic scenes in these numbers,” he said, “but I’ll be here for you!”
Over on One, Corin Dann had assumed his action stance, legs planted apart as he rocked gently in front of fancy graphics. Paddy went one better, legs so akimbo he threatened to do the splits.
As always, language was a loser on the night. “He’s doing absolutely useless!” declared Gower of Shane Jones in Whangarei. At one point, someone reported from the Pullman Hotel, “where Bill English is gathered to watch the election results”. English was also gathered to tweet what is becoming an unfortunate national symbol: another wretched spaghetti-and-pineapple pizza. Meanwhile, Garner generated metaphors: “Up strugglers’ gully and the waka ain’t got a paddle!”
Samantha Hayes ran into John Key for a
nostalgic reminder of creative prime ministerial diction past. “Whether it’s enough to put together a government,” mused Key, of Labour’s results, “well, I’m pretty suspect on that.” And, “I will always be eternally grateful to the New Zealand public.”
English was happily swallowing syllables in a Key-like manner when he spoke to Garner and Lisa Owen after his speech – “parlm” for parliament and “negoti-aysh”. The mood was playful. “Are you going to have a few beers or have you already had a couple?” wondered Owen. “I haven’t had any,” beamed English. Jacinda Ardern looked slightly less relentlessly positive and slightly more staunch by the end. The Greens’ James Shaw looked almost as unnervingly happy as Winston.
The serene still point in the evening was Ardern’s partner Clarke Gayford. Sauntering around with a tea towel over his shoulder, he took the traditional feeding of the media to near-biblical proportions with Hellers sausages and platters of the 42kg bass he caught himself. “Fish bass,” Wendy Petrie called it, perhaps thinking it was a recipe, like steak tartare. Jack Tame’s slightly pained report of “a plant-based food truck serving kimchi burritos” at Green Party HQ was outclassed.
Unless you were Don Brash, the loss of the Maori Party from Parliament generated genuinely moving moments. On Sunday, Te Ururoa Flavell was so overcome with emotion he had to abandon a chat with Gower. As Marama Fox teared up too, the brittle battle line between media and politicians was breached as Gower moved in for a hug. He was, in his odd way, there for them.
Burr could possibly have used a hug after failed attempts to wrangle Winston. “How long are you going to be holding the country to ransom?” he rashly asked. “How long are you going to be asking me silly questions before I pick you up and throw you in that water there, okay?” growled Winston. His election slogan was, after all, “Had enough?”
As some commentators have observed, MMP allows him to take time to weigh the vote for the status quo against the vote for change: it’s a solemn responsibility. Not that he’s ever solemn for long. Someone put it to him that he was enjoying himself. “Actually,” he said, with his most carnivorous smile, “I am!”
The brittle battle line between media and politicians was breached as Three’s Paddy Gower moved in for a hug.