Wordsworth Gabe Atkinson

This week, we asked for alternative lyrics to the Eagles song Hotel California, beginning with: On a dark desert highway. Entrants reported a high degree of difficulty in keeping to the rhythm of the original tune.

Wellsford’s Danny Riem writes: On a dark desert highway/ The wipers start to smear/Bar’s Bugs, pie and coffee as Waiouru draws near/Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light/As he crossed the double yellows/Another tourist on the right.

Peter Chapman, Christchurch: On a dark desert highway/Rex McGregor walked with me/I developed literary skill/And won a DVD.

But Auckland’s Graham Mandeno wins: On a dark desert highway/Chill wind off the snow/Fan belt is in pieces/And there’s nowhere to go./Searching every direction/ There is no glimmer of light/Phone is showing no signal here, I guess I’m stuck for the night.

Welcome to New Zealand’s mobile network/You can get 4G/In the big city./

Out in the sticks it will not work/And if you can’t get one bar,/You can’t say where you are.

Last thing I remember/I was frozen to the floor/My flask of black coffee had gone/Ice had jammed up the door./Relax, said the Spark man/It’s in our Ts and Cs:/You can have the greatest service there is/But only where we please.

For the next contest, send us some examples of emotive conjugation, in which your own behaviour is described more favourably than that of others. Bertrand Russell gives an example: I am firm, You are obstinate, He is a pig-headed fool. Conjugate your entry into three parts: I (positive), you (neutral or mildly negative), and he/she/they (negative).

Entries, for the prize below, close at noon on Thursday, July 12. Submissions: wordsworth@listener.co.nz or Wordsworth, NZ Listener, Private Bag 92512, Wellesley St, Auckland 1141. Please include your address. Entries may be edited for sense or space reasons.