Gabe Atkinson

This week’s contest invited readers to submit absurd concepts for new smartphone apps; we expect calls from Silicon Valley investors at any moment.

Anne Martin of Helensville writes: Detta: Emits a warning buzz when someone you owe money to approaches the area, then suggests escape routes to help you evade them.

Val Merritt, Waimauku: Wiffileak: Analyses your flatulence and suggests dietary adjustments for optimum health.

Rex McGregor, Auckland: Frooglest: Immediately disables your phone whenever you try to buy something online.

Bronwen Gunn, Levin: Skyte: Photographs every purchase you make and automatically sends the images to everyone on your contacts list.

Prue Scott, Auckland: MiPhone: Scans the phones of passers-by and when it detects an older model announces: “My phone is newer than yours.”

Alan Beck, Dunedin: Demismonde: A dating app for seniors, with profiles voiced by Demi Moore (for men), or Demis Roussos (women).

Sophia Clark, Waharoa: Honker: Lets you know when there are no geese within 500m by letting out loud honks.

But Chris Greenwood of Motueka is the winner: Myf8: Samples the user’s heart rhythm, brainwaves and biochemical emanations. Based on these readings and prior medical history, it issues an hourly forecast of time and date of death.

For the next competition, send us a four-line poem describing the habits and/or characteristics of the sea creature of your choice. Anything that lives in, above, or beside the ocean may be your subject, and rhyming is optional. Entries, for the prize below, close at noon on Thursday, November 1.

Submissions: wordsworth@listener.co.nz or Wordsworth, NZ Listener, Private Bag 92512, Wellesley St, Auckland 1141. Please include your address. Entries may be edited for sense or space reasons.