Wordsworth

This week’s challenge was to compose some light verse that includes the phrase “he sought a specialist, who said” from Hilaire Belloc’s Lord Roehampton.

Rex McGregor, Auckland: He sought a specialist, who said,/”Although your rash has quickly spread,/Encircling you for several laps,/The good news is: I still see gaps.”

Anne Martin, Helensville: Ben heard voices in his head./He sought a specialist, who said/“I fear there’s nothing I can do,/ For I can hear your voices, too.”

Tony Clemow, Kamo: A singer didn’t feel the hottest:/a ring had lodged deep in his glottis./He sought a specialist, who said:/”Try a hand-stand on your head/until the obstacle’s been shed./You might then pawn it, if you’re Scottish.”

Valerie Rhodes, Wellington: His nose was blocked, his eyes were red,/He sought a specialist, who said,/”Just take these pills and go to bed./By Friday you’ll be fine. Or dead.”

Cal Lovell, Onerahi: Boris Johnson had a plan/To quit the Common Market./He sought a specialist, who said:/“It can’t be done; you’ve lost your spark,/You need a more aggressive bark,/so channel Maggie Thatcher.”

But Chris Greenwood of Motueka is the winner: A Welshman was in deep despair./Unable to produce an heir,/he sought a specialist, who said,/“You don’t have the right knack in bed./And I have to tell you, Ivor,/You don’t have the left one either.”

For the next contest, send us the name of a new chemical element and describe its properties. For example: Parliamentium: a dense and inert substance with few useful applications, known for its high toxicity. Note: we’re looking for humour, not scientific accuracy. And for the sake of variety, Trump submissions are banned. Entries, for the prize below, close at noon on Thursday, December 5. Submissions: wordsworth@listener.co.nz or Wordsworth, NZ Listener, Private Bag 92512, Wellesley St, Auckland 1141. Please include your address. Entries may be edited for sense or space reasons.