At present

Don’t look a gift horse, er, gift registry in the mouth, writes ben fahy – just be wise to the pitfalls of gift giving and receiving

Columnist Ben Fahy on the art of graceful gift- receiving.

One of the fringe benefits of tying the knot is the loot that tends to come your way afterwards. Back in the day, those getting married were typically living separately, so tended to be inundated with pots, pans, sheets, towels and other domestic detritus deemed necessary to start their married lives. But these days, as most couples are older and already ‘living in sin’ when they marry, the types of gifts given – and the ways guests can give them – have evolved considerably.

Firstly, it’s up to the engaged couple to set the expectations around gifts. So spell out what you want clearly. Some prefer to leave the decision in the hands of the guests and hope their tastes match. Others prefer to be more tactical/practical, set up a registry and try to check off their wish list (one US study showed 88 per cent of couples now set one up for their wedding). Previously, such registries were largely linked to the big-box retailers and department stores, but they’re starting to give up some ground to online systems that allow much more flexibility and customisation – both for the recipients and, with features such as group gifting, for the guests. Even Amazon is in on the act.

Some couples still desire physical goods (be careful what you wish for, though, because a couple I know ended up with 20 toasters when a group of guests thought it would be funny if they all bought them exactly the same thing). But while it’s in bad taste to ask for cold hard cash, couples are getting around this taboo by setting up funds so that guests can contribute to something specific, like travel, artwork or renovations. In our case, we encouraged guests to give whatever they wanted, but suggested Mitre 10 vouchers if anyone was struggling for inspiration.

Another trend is to ask only for experiencebased gifts, which is a great way to force yourself to do things you wouldn’t normally do. Asking for donations to be made to a favoured charity is also increasingly popular. But while that’s certainly laudable, it may not actually work. London-based events planner Mark Niemierko told The New York Times that only 10 guests contributed to a charity at an elaborate wedding he organised and the rest gave nothing. ‘I was really shocked. I think it goes back to the old-fashioned thing that people are used to giving gifts, physical objects. They want to come to the house and see the decanter they bought you.’

There’s certainly no harm in combining the two strategies, however. And there are a number of ways to do it. At one wedding I went to guests were asked to bring a children’s book to give to a hospital library, as well as a good bottle of wine for the couple’s cellar. It was a win-win – and also quite representative of their personalities. Another couple requested gifts that had to be made by the guests themselves (unsurprisingly, they were over the moon with my self-portrait chainsaw sculpture featuring old carpet for hair) or, if they weren’t crafty types, a good book.

The general expectation is that guests will bring a present to mark the occasion, but there will probably be a few who don’t. Some see this as ‘a sin of the highest order, the cause of relationship breakdowns and unwavering resentment’, says New York Times writer Abby Ellin. And Jodi Smith, an etiquette expert and wedding consultant from the US, estimates that up to 10 per cent of guests don’t come bearing gifts; one of the main reasons is that weddings are usually quite expensive to attend, especially if it’s a destination wedding, and your guests will likely have a range of different budgets, so presence is often seen as enough of a present.

Some say confrontation is acceptable in this case, although it pays to do it delicately (saying something along the lines of ‘I was just writing the thank-yous and didn’t notice your name on any of the cards’ leaves the response in their hands and, because mistakes do happen, they might point out that the balsa wood candelabra they bought you obviously went missing). But Peggy Post, who writes a wedding etiquette column for The New York Times, recommends taking the high road, not getting upset and graciously letting the matter drop.

While the couple may be offended by cheapskates, the guests are also likely to be offended if a couple doesn’t send a thank-you card, or thanks them for the wrong gift. The present-opening session can be great fun, as it’s often done with the family after the dust of the big day has settled, and there are always a few entertaining messages to read out. But be diligent and write down who gave you what. And for all the gift-givers out there, always remember: nothing says love like a radiocontrolled helicopter.