Global LOVE
cross- cultural marriages are on the rise – So how do brides and grooms successfully honour both ethnicities to celebrate the most important day of their lives?
It was 2009 when Igor and Zion Viner met while studying accounting together at Auckland University. Romance blossomed between the pair, and it wasn’t long before they knew they belonged together. Of course, the natural next step was for Igor to propose, they’d marry and live happily ever after… but when it came to planning their big day, exactly how they’d celebrate their union put the pair in choppy waters.
An Ethiopian Orthodox Christian, Zion assumed their wedding would be huge. Although Igor didn’t follow the Ethiopian traditions of presenting her family with a dowry, nor reaching an agreement with Zion’s family to ask for her hand in marriage, a large wedding of around 1000 guests was a given. In Zion’s country, everyone you know is automatically invited to celebrate a wedding, even individuals from other villages you’ve never met.
Igor had other ideas. In Russia, a small wedding of around 10 to 20 people is standard, and guests are strictly by invitation only.
‘It was very difficult for Zion and her parents not to invite everyone from their church and friends,’ Igor explains. ‘I didn’t understand why I needed to invite 1000 people, many who I have never seen before in my life.
‘We discussed this for six months at least almost every evening,’ Igor continues. ‘In the end I understood that I couldn’t have it my way and she understood that she couldn’t have it hers. We are both strong characters.’
In recent decades increased international migration has resulted in greater racial and ethnic diversity in a number of countries, New Zealand being one of them. And with our population undergoing increasing change, cross-cultural marriages are on the rise.
Often, the first question these couples may ask themselves when planning their wedding day is: how will we embrace both our cultures, but make it a celebration that we enjoy too?
This can be a real source of struggle for many brides and grooms to be, says marriage celebrant Melanie Kerr. She has officiated at hundreds of weddings and seen this situation arise often. However, frequently, the pressure will come from a bride or groom’s family to honour their particular values.
Melanie recalls a wedding where an Indian bride was to marry a New Zealand-born groom. To appease her family’s wishes to celebrate their culture, she had two ceremonies: one Hindu, and one Western white wedding.
‘It was actually crucial for her family that they honoured their Indian culture,’ Melanie explains. ‘For some couples there is simply no other way around it, the expectation is so great.’
Having two dresses and holding two receptions would be ideal for many couples, in theory at least, but for most the expense would be out of the question.
Instead, Melanie suggests couples and their families sit down as soon as possible to have a frank discussion about what is important to them all.
‘I would encourage couples to remain openminded and realise the importance of this to their families, but without giving away their wedding day,’ she explains.
‘Really working with your family – to decide on something that makes them feel like you’ve included their religion or culture, without you losing the grip on the day you want – is often a good compromise. But get this out of the way early so it doesn’t become an issue.’
Igor and Zion took almost a year to reach an agreement on what would be a fair and balanced number of guests for their ceremony. They managed to downsize from 1000 to 200 people, and although Igor is not particularly religious, they agreed to hold the ceremony in a church, with the ceremony held entirely in the Ethiopian language, Amharic.
However, both Zion and her mother are still coping with the fallout from those who couldn’t understand their family’s decision.
‘For my mum it was really bad. She lost some of the people she knows who expected to be invited even though they’re not very close,’ Zion says. ‘Some people still don’t talk to me because I didn’t invite them to my wedding. But we had to compromise; it would have been really expensive as we were paying for it. Our wedding couldn’t be a 100 per cent Ethiopian wedding even if I wanted it to be… it’s important for families and friends to be respectful of the differences.’
When Matthew and Libby Law married last year, New Zealand-born Matthew took it as a given that Libby would want to incorporate her Chinese culture into their wedding at Kumeu’s Vilagrad Vineyard. Very traditional Chinese weddings are grand occasions with elaborate formalities, but increasingly, Chinese are having Western-style weddings. Libby, Matthew and their parents were happy to have a traditional white wedding with special Chinese touches.
In Chinese culture, red symbolises love, happiness and luck. Red is also thought to bring prosperity, so for their reception, Libby changed into a stunning red gown. Gold is usually paired with red at Chinese
weddings as it symbolises wealth, joy and luck. Their bridesmaids wore champagne gold dresses, and Libby and Matthew’s cake was decorated in red and gold. Each of their guests received chopsticks wrapped in red and gold material as gifts.
But there was one vital Chinese tradition that had to be included – a tea ceremony. This is when the bride and groom give thanks to their elders. Both are expected to kneel in front of their parents and serve them tea, a ritual that is considered the most devout way to thank their mother and father for raising them. Once this is complete, the parents hand the couple a red envelope filled with money.
Libby admits they were both somewhat worried about how Matthew would cope during the ritual.
‘ But he did quite well,’ Libby says. ‘I researched the meaning of the ceremony and sent this to the MC and also to Matt, so they knew what was going on and the meaning of it. We also needed to explain it to the guests, as 80 per cent of them were Kiwis!’
Libby had told Matthew weeks ahead of the ceremony what was expected of him, but there was still a small slip-up.
‘I was fairly open-minded, I didn’t mind what was going on because there were certain things that were important to her and fair enough… but I didn’t understand the finer details. It was quite funny at one stage, as when we got these envelopes I proceeded to open each of them and count everything inside. That is just not done,’ Matthew laughs.
Melanie says if you are incorporating special cultural rituals into a wedding, taking the time to explain each ritual – including what you’re doing and why you’re going to do it – is vital.
‘Most of the time, when people have got an understanding of what the tradition is, they will embrace it. But give people time to get used to the idea,’ she says.
Sometimes, no matter how much the bride and groom try to meld the two cultures, it might just come down to the couple’s big day before their fears – or more so their familial fears – are put to rest.
This was certainly the case for Sarah and Llyle Van Schalkwyk’s wedding. Llyle and his parents are from South Africa while Sarah and her family immigrated to New Zealand from Hyderabad, India.
Neither family had met before their wedding day, and there were concerns on both sides of the cultural divide about how the couple would choose to celebrate their union. However, the struggles Sarah and Llyle faced in the lead-up to their marriage didn’t put them off having a celebration. If anything, it strengthened their resolve to plan their day exactly the way they wanted it.
‘ Ridiculous things were explained to me, like “There is something called custommade dresses!”’ Sarah recalls. ‘At the same time Llyle was being criticised for not knowing what “lavish” weddings are because we Indians like to do everything big, and inviting 120 guests to your wedding is nothing compared to the 2000 we usually have at our Indian counterparts.’
Sarah and Llyle stood firm on the style of wedding they wanted: one that reflected their personalities and tastes, not the desires of their families.
‘We had a proper English church wedding as Llyle is quite religious, but we decided to have a few Indian events before the wedding that incorporated the Indian culture and theme,’ Sarah says.
One week prior to their celebration, Sarah’s mother, aunt and uncle held three ‘purification ceremonies’ called the Haldi. This is when a mixed paste of sandalwood, turmeric and rose water is applied to the faces, hands and feet of the bride and groom to cleanse their mind, body and soul. Sarah also changed into a red gown – also a sign of good luck in Indian culture – for her reception.
When it came to their wedding day, in the end both families forgot their worries and differences and remembered what the event was all about: a celebration of love.
‘My parents thought we did a spectacular job because usually amongst the Indians, the family organises everything so the bride doesn’t need to worry about a thing,’ Sarah says. ‘Llyle’s mum and grandmother thought the reception was very beautiful and grand.’ W