SIMPLE SOLUTIONS
Your relationship with Your fiancé is not the only one You have to consider. how You manage Your parents, family and friends is the key to reducing stress and avoiding conflict. relationship expert and life coach sian jaquet answers Your queries
life coach sian Jaquet solves big day dilemmas – how to avoid conflict and reduce stress
the date debate
Q My fiancé has his heart set on getting married in eight months’ time, as his brother, who lives in the uK, has already splurged on a sixweek visit for next summer. it didn’t take long for me to realise that all of my favourite vendors, from the photographer to the florist and the cake designer, are fully booked all summer. My fiancé doesn’t care – he says photos, flowers etc are secondary to having all our loved ones there. But you only get married once, and i don’t want to compromise the perfect day for the sake of one guest – albeit an important one. Any advice?
A I’m going to cut straight to the chase and challenge you on the facts. Are all of your favourite vendors fully booked, every day of the week? The first lesson in marriage is about compromise. How about starting with compromising on what day you have the wedding? Many vendors are fully booked for Fridays and Saturdays, but will be more than happy to accommodate you mid-week. List everything in priority, choose five mid-week dates, contact vendors and see which one works best. I’m going to suggest your fiancé takes on this task too, working the phones with you and considering the options. Please listen to your fiancé – he needs his brother to be there, and he’s family, not just ‘one guest’. One day if you have children, you will want with all your heart for your children to be friends… I think you might be marrying a man who will know how to teach them! Oh and one more thing, said with love: it’s not just ‘ your’ wedding day.
the guest game
towards my guests, and his parents are refusing to contribute as much as they originally said they would. What should we do?
A I think the best thing to do is a pro rata system: you pay for who you’re inviting, each set of parents pays for their guests. Everything else associated with the day is half each. Except your dress – paying for that is usually the father of the bride’s perogative. There is another option: only invite people who you both actually want to be there… just an idea.
registrY reservations
Q We want to set up a wedding gift registry, but my mum says it’s rude and that we should leave it to our guests to choose what they would like to give us. We’d hate to offend anyone, so what should we do?
A Your mum isn’t the first person to be worried about offending guests and she won’t be the last. Contact the staff member in charge of the wedding registry at the store you’ve chosen, and ask if you may bring your mother into the store or showroom so she can see how it works. Once she hears the obvious benefits of wedding registries and sees how respectfully guests will be treated throughout the registry process, I’m sure she’ll feel more comfortable.
heart set on fiji
Q My fiancé and i went on holiday to Fiji two years ago and completely fell in love with everything about it. We always said that when the time came, that’s where we’d love to get married. Now we’re engaged, and the other day i mentioned the Fiji thing to Mum – she couldn’t stop laughing because she thought the idea was so ludicrous that i must be joking. My parents are contributing a big chunk of the budget and their approval is important to me – how do i tell her that i am, in fact, serious? ‘the first lesson
in marriage is compromise. How
about starting with what day you have the wedding?’
Q Both my fiancé’s parents and mine are contributing equal sums of money for our big day, which was fine until we started to finalise the guest list. i have a big extended family, and when it comes to weddings, we always include all the aunties, uncles and cousins. My fiancé’s parents, however, have lots of issues with their family and only want to invite his dad’s brother. Now the guest list looks really skewed
A This may be an old- fashioned saying but, ‘he who pays the piper calls the tune’. If your parents are contributing a big chunk towards your day, then I strongly suggest you accept this financial support graciously and go to Fiji for an amazing honeymoon instead of a wedding. Alternatively, ask your mum and dad for 15 minutes of uninterrupted time as you have some information you want to share with
them. Show them brochures and websites of weddings in Fiji. Explain this is what you and your fiancé had planned for your day. Give them two days to review their thoughts on how they think their money should be spent, then meet with them again to discuss. If a wedding in Fiji is still off the cards, a honeymoon is a good compromise.
sister act
Q My fiancé’s sister has always treated me like i’m not good enough for her brother. i want to start our marriage with good relations with everyone in his life. How can i get her to come around before the wedding?
A Consider how important she will be in your future on a scale of one to 10. If it is more than a five, tell her how you feel. Explain how much her brother means to you, then leave the rest up to her.
the out- laws
appropriate for him to ask them both to put aside their differences and support him on this special day. He should be very clear that if they can’t agree to his requests then they are free to refuse the invitation to celebrate your wedding. I realise it’s easier said than done, however if you don’t have clear boundaries about the kind of relationship you intend having with your fiancé’s parents and partners, you’re setting yourselves up for years of heartache.
that question – again
Q We’re getting a lot of questions about money. How should i deal with friends and family asking how much we’re spending on our wedding?
‘You are both about to go into a life where you will hopefully share your troubles, however, your inlaws – or should i say, in this case, “out-laws” – are
not your problem’
Q My fiancé’s parents are divorced. We got engaged three months ago and already both his mum and dad (and their new partners) have been in conflict over our wedding; they want to sit on different sides of the room, they don’t want to be involved in the ceremony together and they don’t want to be in photographs together. Now they are wanting to know what each other is contributing financially to the wedding. it’s getting stressful and i can only see it getting worse. What can i do to help make the peace, but give myself (and my hubby to be) peace of mind?
A This really does sound like the stuff of nightmares! And none of it is to do with either of you, really. You are both about to go into a life where you will hopefully share your troubles, however, your in-laws – or should I say, in this particular case, ‘out-laws’ – are not your problem. They are your fiancé’s parents and will be, now and forever more. You both need to be around positive people who have at least a teaspoon of emotional intelligence.
I suggest he write a letter to them both and clarify what he is asking from them on his wedding day, such as: “I need you to... [practical requests], and I expect... [emotional expectations].” It may be useful to state that he is now an adult, and believes it is
the Young ones
Q My sister-in-law has three small children and she’s been hinting about having them involved in our wedding as a flower girl and page boys. We don’t even want to invite children to the wedding (although we’re willing to compromise and have kids to the ceremony) but i really don’t want to have kids in the bridal party. How do i let her know where we stand without hurting her feelings?
A If you want to be subtle, say: ‘As much as we think is appropriate.’ Or you could simply tell them it’s none of their business.
A You and your fiancé should meet your sister-in-law for a coffee. Tell her that you both her and her partner to truly enjoy your wedding. Tell her that it would be lovely to have the kids at the ceremony, but she needs to arrange for someone to pick them up afterwards. Say that you’re so insistent she has a good night that you’re happy to pay half of the babysitter fees, and you’re going to shout them their hotel room for the night. Works every time!
keeping mum happY
Q We’ve just set the date for our wedding and already my mum is upset. She feels that we’re getting married too soon and that our overseas family need more notice. i can see that this is the only beginning of her telling me how to plan my wedding. How can i get her on board?
A You appear to be writing the script for disharmony yourself – how did you arrive at this date without speaking to your mum first?! Take her out for a lovely lunch and talk to her about all of your ideas for the wedding. Give her every opportunity to share her views and opinions. Then tell her you’re going to take a few days to think about all she has suggested. Arrange a time later to let her know what you and your fiancé have agreed to go ahead with. Regarding the family abroad, call them individually yourself and ask them if the date is going to be an issue for them.
booze concerns
Q My fiancé’s mates are big party people, but my family doesn’t drink at all. i’m worried about his friends getting out of control with the booze at the wedding ( especially the groomsmen) but don’t know how to best navigate this situation. Any advice?
A This is a worry many brides and grooms have. Firstly, manage the amount of alcohol available; don’t set yourselves up by offering free alcohol throughout the entire day and evening. Secondly get some support from your fiancé and his dad. Share your concerns with the best man, listen to his suggestions and ask for his help. Leave him under no illusion that if anyone gets out of control, he’s responsible for managing the situation – it’s part of the best man’s job description.