SIMPLE SOLUTIONS

Navigate nuptial sticking points with know-how from life coach Sian Jaquet

MAMA DRAMA

QMy mum is helping out in a major way with organising our largely DIY wedding, and it was all going to plan until she started to refuse to let anyone else pitch in because “They won’t do it right”. How do I tell her to please take a step back without seeming ungrateful for her efforts?

ADear Plagued by a Perfectionist, Isn’t it funny that whatever our challenges are, others would swap in a second to have ours? Your mum sounds amazingly supportive and equally, if not more, passionate about your wedding day than you are. You’re a very lucky daughter! I can’t believe she’s suddenly turned into supercharged organiser and imagine it’s just a part of who she is – I bet she’s one of life’s doers; helping in a practical way is her language of love. I suggest you clarify in detail the other people who have a role to play in shaping your day, what it is you’d like them to do and why it’s important to you to involve them. Put to rest any fears she has by setting a realistic timeframe for their contributions to be completed so she has plenty of time to do a final check to ensure everything is squared away well ahead of your big day.

PARTY POOPERS

QI’m part of my friend’s bridal party, and being reserved person, she’s explicitly said she doesn’t want a ‘traditional’ hen party with veils and strippers and copious amounts of booze. This is fine with me, but unfortunately the other attendees are unimpressed with the dinner and cocktail class we’ve arranged as an alternative, saying its boring and not a proper hen do – and some are even refusing to come! I know the bride will be so upset if some of her friends don’t celebrate with us. What should I do?

ADear Good Friend, Your use of the word ‘explicitly’ says it all. Call up the other bridesmaids individually and clarify the bride’s clear instructions for what is, after all,

her hen night. Anyone who’s unreasonable enough to challenge your reasonable request should be reminded that it’s a privilege to be chosen to be an attendee. If they still refuse to respect the bride’s wishes, ask them to contact her directly as you have no intention of hurting her feelings.

WHERE THE HEART IS

QMy fiancé and I live right next to a beautiful country church, and our back garden is perfect for a marquee wedding. I’ve always dreamt of getting married there - but my groom’s hometown, and the majority of his guests, are three hours’ drive away. He says it’s no problem, but do you think it’s rude to ask so many people to make the trip, especially when it only affects his guests?

ADear Considerate Bride, Aren’t you a sweetheart, and no, it isn’t rude. As you may know, I’m usually in the compromise-is-everything camp, however, this situation is a little different. It is traditional for the bride

to be married away from her home, but given yours is a long-held dream, three hours isn’t an unrealistic distance for your guests to travel. Make it easier for everyone by providing details of accommodation options so they have the information they need to stay locally – it’ll make it an even more special occasion.

MONEY ON THEIR MIND

My fiancé and I are spending a fair bit of money on our wedding – enough to cause our parents to express their disapproval every time the topic comes up. How do you suggest I tactfully tell them to pipe down without causing offence or making it appear as though we don’t value their input?

ADear Doing It Your Way, It seems your parents have some firmly held ideas about money and how it should be spent, and I’m not sure this is the time to challenge their belief systems. Politely explain your position, but just the once. Try something firm but fair: “It’s our wedding and our choice. We don’t intend to do this twice, so we have just one chance to create our dream day. Please don’t worry, we’ve saved for this and are enjoying every moment of spending our hard-earned savings.” Follow up with a big hug, then remind them how lucky you feel to have parents who care.

HERS ’N’ HIS

Q My future husband has a big student loan, whereas I’ve paid mine off – and inherited a large sum of money when my father passed away. I’d like to keep this money saved away until later in life, so I want to bring up the topic of a prenuptual agreement. How can I do that without it seeming like I don’t trust him?

ADear Miss Pragmatic, In my experience, when we ignore uncomfortable truths in relationships, they inevitably come back to bite us. Reading between the lines, it appears to me that you’re not sure that your future husband is responsible with money, and therefore part of you is questioning whether you should trust him. If this is the case, you’re best to be honest with him about your fears. Be clear about why, detailing the evidence that has lead you to this conclusion. I applaud you for considering how you can protect your assets, as unromantic as it sounds. Your father left you this inheritance to ensure your future, so you should honour that. If in the future you want to rip up the prenup because the man you married has the same values and mature attitude to money as you do, it’d make a lovely way to celebrate your 10th wedding anniversary. Hopefully by then, he’ll have paid off his student loan, so you’ll have twice the reason to celebrate.

GUEST-LIST GUESSWORK

Q There are lots of people I’d love to invite to our wedding, but our budget won’t allow us to have a large reception. A friend suggested I invite everyone to the ceremony, but only selected guests to the reception. What’s your take on this?

ADear Guests Galore, I’m not sure I’d respond well to an invite to a ceremony and not the reception. But I wouldn’t mind an invitation to the party end of the reception, especially when it comes from two young people starting out in life together with a note saying, “Our wedding budget doesn’t stretch to all the people we want to share our day with, but we’d love to see you in the evening to toast our day and have some fun on the dance floor.” Another option is to have a small event followed by a larger gathering a few weeks later to which you can invite everyone and share your wedding photos.

UNEVEN-STEVENS

Q My fiancé’s sister announced her engagement around the same time we did – and the other day she asked me to be her bridesmaid, which is super nice, except that I had no intention of asking her to be mine! I already have two sisters and a bestie who I want to be my attendants, and I want to leave it at that. How do I navigate this?

ADear Tit for Tat, The clue to the right thing to do may be in her title: sister- in-law. You had three wonderful women to support you on your day, and now you have a new family member and four caring attendants! Look at it that way and feel the love. Or, if you really don’t feel like you want to alter the mix of your bridal party, don’t feel pressured to do so. Instead, make your sister-in-law feel included by involving her in the ceremony in another way, by inviting her to do a reading, for example.

LOOSE CANON

Q My groom and I have a friend who always gets drunk at parties to the point where he becomes the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. Is there a tactful way to tell him to tone it down for our big day?

ADear Friend Without Benefits, Sometimes in life it’s okay not to be tactful, and in this instance, it doesn’t sound as if sugar-coating the message is likely to achieve the desired result. The two of you should sit him down and share your concerns, the bottom line being, “Can you behave?” The next step is for you both to decide if he’s capable of doing so. If not, let him in on your contingency plan. Ask a more trusted friend to keep an eye on him and give them the number of a local taxi company, your guest’s address and the cab fare. Then, if this lovable troublemaker shows any signs of becoming a problem, they can simply send him home to sleep it off.

“If in the future you want to rip up the prenup, it’d make a lovely way to celebrate your 10th anniversary.”