LIFE BEYOND ‘I DO’
WELCOME TO YOUR HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
Planning a wedding can be an all-consuming task. If it’s been all you and your beloved have thought and talked about for months on end, it’s only natural that you might find yourself feeling ever-so-slightly flat in the days and weeks following the big day. But you can avoid slipping into the post-wedding blues and instead slide smoothly into married life – the trick is to plan beyond your big day, says psychologist Dr Ruth Jillings.
You’ve probably not considered yourself in this light before, but Ruth likens brides to Olympic athletes. “You channel all of this energy, hard work and anticipation into one specific event, and then it’s over and there’s a period of post-event let-down.”
Feeling deflated after your celebration is normal and it passes, but it sometimes takes brides by surprise, because with a wedding comes the expectation of happily-ever-after bliss. The thing is, maintaining a state of happiness takes a little effort.
However, “You don’t have to plan extravagant things,” says Ruth. “In fact, don’t plan the next big thing – allow yourselves time to settle into married life. But keep a running list of the little activities you’ve put on hold because of the wedding planning and tick some of them off after your special day.” You could get round to trying out that new café, going on that weekend hike together or finally getting out into the garden.
Ruth also suggests setting aside periods of time each week in the lead-up to your day during which you put the kaibosh on planning talk in favour of sharing a new experience or simply enjoying each other’s company. “It’ll keep the non-wedding dialogue flowing, so you’re not left feeling like there’s nothing to talk about after your reception.”
If you or your partner have children, you’ll all have to adjust, and the same principles apply. Looking forward to simple family outings such as taking a trip to the beach or park can lift the vibe in the house when the party’s over. In fact, the children will
probably enjoy the normality after all those months of excitement.
Although these days most blended families will have merged together under one roof well before the wedding, Ruth warns that kids can still feel anxious about how it’s all going to work out afterwards. “It’s important that the natural parent still has time alone with his or her children,” she says. “A lot of people shy away from this because they worry that it creates divisions, but from a child’s perspective, it gives them a sense of stability.”
Merging families or easing into life as a step-parent requires patience, time and respect; one new husband made a ‘promise of commitment’ to his wife’s two daughters and gave them each a necklace as a token of this promise. Ruth advocates continuing to take a ‘softly, softly’ approach. Talk with your husband about agreed house rules, but be prepared to refine them constantly. Have fun establishing new family traditions – ask the children for their ideas. And come together to talk as a family every week about what’s working at home and what’s not.
“It may be that you feel annoyed every time the children walk on the new carpet in their shoes, or your kids don’t like the way your husband makes their school lunches,” says Ruth. “If you can troubleshoot the little stuff, you have a better chance with the big stuff.”