SIZZLING in your sixties
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IS THE KEY TO UNLOCKING AN EVEN RICHER ROMANCE
Youth may indeed be wasted on the young, but there’s certainly no need to say the same about love and sex! Here, in an edited extract from her latest book, Sex After Sixty: A French Guide to Loving Intimacy, psychologist Marie de Hennezel shares her views on the joys of expressing your sensual side.
TIMELESS PASSION
When my previous book was first published in English, readers reacted to one chapter in particular: “A sensual old age”, which focuses on the sexuality of seniors, a subject that still remains taboo.
At the suggestion of my editor, I decided to dedicate an entire book to that topic.
I set out to show that if there’s no age limit to enjoying love
– if making love is still an option – that is because the heart does not age.
The body will age, sooner or later, but if we put into practice “creating intimacy in everyday life,” we develop our sensuality, and we let tenderness bring our bodies together; then we can live out what I call a different kind of sexuality for a very long time. And in my
experience, as well as that of the many men and women I’ve met these past few years, it’s just as satisfying.
ANOTHER SEXUAL REVOLUTION?
I’m pleading for a new sexual revolution – one for seniors.
I’ve realised, after many conversations, that although we acknowledge that making love at age 70 will not be the same as at age 30, our generation has no desire to renounce sex; we are ready to invent something new.
Ours is a dynamic generation, generous and selfish at once, driven by the urge to travel, learn and explore new territory. In short, a generation that has desires.
This book is written for anyone turning 60 – men and women who may have noticed their bodies start to age sexually and may be wondering what the future holds for their sex lives. For the most part, they could still have up to a third of their lives ahead. How will they experience their later years? With or without sex? A recent study published by the Korian Institute for Ageing Well on the relationship between age and pleasure reveals that while only 12% of people over the age of 65 find that making love is still a source of pleasure, 36% of them would like it to be. This means there’s quite a significant gap between those who’d like to be sexually active at this age and those who continue to be, and find it pleasurable.
So there are clearly obstacles to sexual fulfilment beyond a certain age. Some are related to circumstances, aloneness and the attitude of our youthobsessed society. But others stem from the image people have of themselves, of their bodies – seen as desirable or not – and the importance they give to sexual pleasure, both in their lives in general and in their specific relationships.
The ultimate obstacle is the difficulty of imagining a different kind of sexuality, one that is less impulsive, slower and more sensual – one that puts connectedness, tenderness and intimacy first.
LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS
The research I’ve been conducting for more than a year proves that there’s no age limit to love, sex and desire, even if we hide it after a certain age.
It’s like an intimate secret that we don’t want to reveal, but that plays a key role in the physical and psychological health of older people.
As was believed in ancient China, loving sex leads to a long and happy life. Some even say that with age, “sex is better, lasts longer and is more erotic”. Does this pursuit of sexual activity relate to our character, to a predisposition to love that we’ve always had and continue to have? Undoubtedly. And we could leave it at that. Tell ourselves that if we were keen on sex before, we always will be.
But the reality is more complex. For example, what makes so many sexagenarians, when they find themselves alone in life, look for their soulmate on internet dating sites, in the rather elusive quest for the perfect partner? Once they retire, some people seem to take advantage of their newfound freedom to relive their youth and enjoy a level of sensuality they may not have experienced when they were younger. What is this creative attitude towards sexuality that compels people to change the way they love and explore new sensual pleasures?
THE AGE OF ATTRACTION
Finally, what drives sexual attraction in older men and women? What is this desire that isn’t fuelled by appearance or physical beauty, but by something else – by someone’s charm, intense gaze, bright smile? What is this desire that stems from the pleasure and excitement of being together – two hearts beating as one, touching each other’s skin, and feeling each other’s movements and presence – even very late in life?
These are the questions
I have asked throughout my research on sexuality and 60-somethings. I have come to one sure-fire conclusion – the erotic intimacy many want, but few achieve, requires a complete change in mindset.
Experts agree that we can’t make love at 60 like we did at 40. Our bodies can’t keep up. So we must let go of what we know, forget about sexual performance and old fantasies, and “let love happen”. In other words, we must learn to take pleasure as it comes, rather than focus on what it should be. The quality of the relationship is key, along with the ability to create intimacy in everyday life.
‘We can’t make love at 60 like we did at 40. Our bodies can’t keep up’