FALLING FOR a widower

KNOWING YOURSELF AND RESPECTING HIS PAST ARE ESSENTIAL FOR THIS LOVE TO GROW

Scrolling through Facebook, Susan notices a photo of a woman exchanging wedding rings with her husband John.

Susan knows the woman’s face well. There are pictures of her throughout the home she and John share. The woman is John’s rst wife Bethany, who died ve years earlier. Susan has tried to make room for memories of Bethany, but it’s far from easy.

“Building relationships can be daunting but when it involves a widower, it can be fraught with its own set of emotional obstacles,” says psychologist and couples counsellor Annie Gurton.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

While grief has no time limit, Annie says if a widower isn’t ready, he risks being overcome by guilt. “The key to starting a successful future relationship is timing,” she tells.

If he has already been dating and talks about wanting to

nd love again, he’s probably ready for a relationship. But if it has only been a matter of weeks or months, you may encounter raw grief from him, and resentment and concern from his family and friends.

“Friends and family can sometimes feel that he’s not ready for love or that she was so special, nobody else could take her place,” explains Annie.

While acknowledging his late wife is important, make it clear that you’re not trying to replace her or erase her memory. You are your own person and, over time, should be accepted as a valuable, loving partner.

PROTECT YOUR HEART

In many ways, dating a widower is no different from courting any other partner.

“Everyone comes with some baggage, whether it’s through divorce or death,” says Annie. Protect yourself by taking things slowly and, if possible, discuss the ups and downs with friends who have experienced a similar situation.

“You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable – and that exposes you to the possibility of being hurt. But without taking that risk, love will never come,”

Annie adds.

WARNING SIGNS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Take care if you sense his late wife still has a strong presence in his heart. Any successful union requires both people to make the other person the centre of their universe. So if a widower is letting his late wife come between the two of you, it could be time to move on.

“Worrying signs include not wanting to introduce you to his family and friends, and not expressing his feelings to you,” tells Annie. If he’s ready and well-adjusted, he will make you his future and therefore a priority, and resist living in the past. “If he says the right things, makes you feel safe, and is kind and considerate, chances are he means what he says,” asserts Annie.

RESPECT HIS HISTORY

Accepting that another woman will always be in his memories can be dif cult, but it’s important to respect his past and the connection his family and friends have to her.

With sensitivity, it’s possible to nd ways to talk about his late wife while ensuring you both feel comfortable. “Every so often, ask about how she would have handled special events, such as family birthdays and Christmas,” says Annie.

It can also be helpful to agree on how you will manage signi cant dates. “The worst time for him is probably the anniversary of her death, but Christmas, birthdays and holidays can be as dif cult,” Annie explains. “Give him space and offer your condolences, but also think of ways to build your own new memories together.”