JEREMY COR­BETT

THE DARK DAY JEREMY COR­BETT’S AP­PLE FELL FAR FROM THE TREE

New Zealand Woman’s Weekly - - THIS WEEK IN... - JEREMY COR­BETT

Re­cently, I trav­elled from Auck­land to Blen­heim to visit my folks. I de­cided to fly be­cause I didn’t feel like swim­ming Cook Strait, but when I was just me­tres short of my de­par­ture point at Auck­land air­port, I re­alised I did not have my cell phone on me. I stopped the car. I froze.

I feel it’s im­por­tant to men­tion my phone is an iPhone. Many peo­ple joke about the cult-like fol­low­ing Ap­ple in­stils in its con­sumers, but I sus­pect I’ve been fully in­doc­tri­nated be­cause the mo­ment I dis­cov­ered I was iPhone-less I started to panic. Real panic. Like I’d lost a limb.

Sweat beaded in my armpits and ter­ri­ble thoughts crossed my mind. How would I con­tact the fam­ily? How would I call for help? How would I ap­ply fil­ters to pho­tos?

Then my iTrain­ing kicked in and I snapped into ac­tion. Us­ing a mar­vel­lous fea­ture of my Ap­ple Watch, I as­cer­tained the phone was not con­tained in my car. I cursed. If only I’d been driv­ing an Ap­ple Car, I doubt any of this would’ve hap­pened, but then an Ap­ple Car would prob­a­bly be ca­pa­ble of fly­ing me to my des­ti­na­tion so I wouldn’t have needed an air­port in the first place.

But I di­gress. Or, more ac­cu­rately, iDi­gress.

I’d left for the air­port rather early that morn­ing to soak up some air­port soul­less­ness be­fore my flight, so I had some spare time. After a cal­cu­la­tion on my Ap­ple Watch’s I-miss-my­iPhone-ter­ri­bly app, I de­cided to drive back home and re­trieve my life-sup­port de­vice. It would be close, but I’m be­ing com­pletely hon­est when I say I would rather miss my flight than my phone.

I was feel­ing the pres­sure, and the drive was made even more stress­ful by some au­to­mo­tive trou­ble I’ll tell you about an­other day, but I got home, lo­cated my “pre­cious” and be­gan the jour­ney back to the air­port.

The mo­ment I jumped back in my car I felt bet­ter.

Sure, there was a chance

I would miss my flight, there was a chance my car would self-de­struct, there were a mil­lion bad pos­si­bil­i­ties in this city of a hun­dred maunga, but none could stop me for long, be­cause in my hot lit­tle car phone-holder I had my life­line, my con­nec­tion to the ma­trix, my all-in-one por­tal to the uni­verse and so­lu­tion to ev­ery­thing: my iPhone.

I knew I couldn’t touch it dur­ing my drive – I’ve promised not to phone and steer – but ev­ery time I stopped at the lights I looked long­ingly at it and (I don’t think I imag­ined this) it looked long­ingly at me.

We’d been torn asun­der by fate and now were re­united, the bond stronger than ever.

I made a men­tal note, and later an iPhone note, to al­ways check I had my beloved be­fore I left the house. We would not be separated again.

I promised from that mo­ment on we would be one: the hu­man and his beloved tech­nol­ogy. At least un­til I need an up­grade.

Catch Jeremy on ThePro­ject on Three, week­nights at 7pm.

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