FAMILY
THE BENEFITS OF BONDING WITH FAMILY
You can choose your friends, but unfortunately not your family. It’s down to fate that you have ended up sharing genes with a particular group of people, and while in most cases we form strong, loving bonds with those we’re related to, there are occasions when, for a variety of reasons, we just don’t get on with our nearest and supposedly dearest.
It is worth making an effort to develop close ties to our family. We all need to feel part of a loving group, and research shows that children who spend quality time with family members have greater self-esteem, find it easier to connect with others and are more likely to display positive behaviours, such as thoughtfulness towards others.
Being able to communicate with loved ones also helps lower stress levels, and reduces the chance of suffering from social isolation and loneliness, which can lead to depression.
The knowledge that you are unconditionally loved is one of the best feelings in the world.
If your relationship with a particular family member isn’t as close as you’d like, you may want to make the effort to spend more time together, preferably just the two of you, doing something you both enjoy. Finding a project you can join forces for – such as researching your family tree or getting fit – is a good way of developing a bond.
If you can’t meet up very often, making the effort to talk on a regular basis, even if it’s just a 10-minute phone chat a couple of times a week, will help to nurture your relationship.
However, if there’s a family member you just don’t gel with, and for some reason you don’t want them to feature prominently in your life, then you shouldn’t feel guilty about not having a strong bond.
“You can love someone because they are family, but not particularly like them or their behaviour, and that’s okay,” says psychologist and author Carol Bennett.
It’s a good idea to maintain contact, but don’t feel pressured to be close. If being on cordial speaking terms is the best you can expect from your relationship with this person, then you have to accept that.
“Keep time spent with them to a minimum and lower your expectations about the kind of relationship you can have.”
If you do have a falling out with a family member, often the best course of action is to take time to calm down before trying to mend fences. Sometimes you may need to get someone else in the family to mediate, and there may be occasions when you have to be the bigger person and make the first move, even if you feel you’re the wronged party.
It can be worth doing this for the sake of the rest of the family, and also because it’s often troubling knowing there’s an unresolved issue that has driven a wedge between you and someone else.
While it’s important to try to fix any problems, there can be times when you need to walk away from a family member, and even sever all ties. The most common reason for this is abuse, or the threat of abuse. Cutting contact can be necessary to keep yourself or someone else safe.