READER LETTER OF THE WEEK
Dear Jude,
Two years ago, I retired at 68 and while I worried about how I may feel, I was pleasantly surprised. I don’t know how I found time to work! I’ve joined several groups and have more time to catch up with all my girlfriends. But here’s the problem. My husband retired six months ago and it’s not going well. He has a couple of friends, but not many, and it’s now come to my attention that he has very few hobbies. I’ve tried to get him to come along to some of my groups because I think he’d really enjoy it, but he’s very resistant. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he seems embarrassed and cuts me off, saying he just needs time to decompress after such a long career, yet I think he needs to get off the couch and do something. I’ve started turning down invitations because when I start getting ready to go out, he looks disappointed and asks, ‘Oh, where are you going?’ I feel guilty leaving the house, but I want to keep up with my social activities. Do you have any advice? Kathryn, Wellington
That’s a tricky one for you! But to be fair, probably trickier for him. It sounds like you’ve got this life in retirement thing well balanced in your two-year experience of it. But for him, he’s new to it all and trying to find his way in a brave new world that has no work routine to hang things on. On top of that, men find great self-worth in their work – it often defines them, becomes the thing they talk about as an extension of themselves… and that too has gone west. And in perhaps quintessential man-cave behaviour, he’s trying to think about a solution to present, rather than talk about the problem, hence cutting you off when you bring it up.
Is there a pseudo work environment he can look into that might bridge these two worlds? Maybe using his no doubt excellent and current skill set in an organisation in the local community? Are the partners of your friends retired? Can you have a word in their ears and suggest he’s in need of some ‘ fun-employment’ buddies to do something with? Is there an interest he never had time for that he could now pursue? Fishing, golfing, learning a language to then travel with together? Or… random thought… what about a pet if you don’t have one? A canine buddy will get him up and off the couch for sure!