READER LETTER OF THE WEEK

Dear Jude,

My husband has been very down lately and quite mopey and despondent since he retired late last year. I’m worried about him and have told him so, but he won’t open up to me about how he’s feeling. I really think he should go to the GP to talk about it and maybe get medication, but he refuses. What can I do? Hope you can help,

Margaret

Ah, that’s hard for you. As per the note to the right about men not being so keen to talk about how they feel, your husband is a case in point. Women seem to be able to express feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and unhappiness more readily – certainly I know that I and the women around me can, and mental health data seems to reflect this gender difference too. It’s cathartic to realise those awful feelings and experiencing challenges is pretty standard stuff in the rise and fall of life. But I’m not telling you anything you don’t know – you want to know how to help your husband. The adjustment to retirement is a big change and no doubt that has taken some of his raison d’être (reason for being) away. Are there some good male mates in his life you can confide in about your concerns? If they are good to help here (and I’m sure they would be) perhaps they might bring it up while they are doing something together – the old side-by-side discussion over a golf game, rather than a sitdown face-to-face. Maybe that is a starting point? Do you have the same GP? You could always discuss your concerns when you next need to go for a check-up. Whatever you do, keep it light and rope in those around you to help I think. Perhaps also (practically speaking), see if you can find some shared goals to look forward to together and get on with the planning and the doing of them.