JEREMY CORBETT

BATHROOM STOPS ARE GETTING MORE FREQUENT AS JEREMY TRIES TO CATCH THE PERPETRATOR OF A DIRTY CRIME!

The good news is, you’re unique! The bad news is this means you have a unique set of triggers which will upset you way more than the people around you.

Mine is toilet rolls. Why don’t any members of my family ever put a new roll on the holder?

Every time I go into the bathroom, I check and every time there will be that manilla-coloured cardboard core hanging there uselessly, goading me. And when I say every time, I mean sometimes.

Or it’s more obnoxious cousin: the barely covered roll holding the last one or two creased segments – a gossamer-thin covering giving the last person some sort of excuse not to refresh the roll.

I wasn’t always like this. I’m sure there was a time I gave such catastrophes little thought. But somehow their impact has grown.

You will, no doubt be the same with your particular bugbear. I think there is some sort of tipping point which sets you off on these journeys.

Perhaps many moons back, I struck two or three empty rolls in a row. Just by sheer coincidence.

But humans like the idea of being in control, of order, a reason for things, so rather than putting it down to simple bad timing, my primal brain detected a threat – an attack on me. Somehow, someone was weakening me by deliberately sabotaging my bathroom breaks.

Once that idea had taken root, I started to look for evidence to confirm my suspicion. And it was only a matter of time before

I struck another empty tube. When I did, the conspiracy theorist in my head went “A-ha! I knew it!”

Once the idea was proven as fact, I was prepared to find more unreplaced, used rolls. I expected to be let down by my family.

You’d think that expectation would somehow make it easier: knowing it was due to happen would prevent me from getting upset.

No! The opposite is true – it makes me even angrier!

I take each and every offence personally. As if the perpetrator heard me coming from afar, quickly dashed into the restroom and replaced a full roll with an empty one.

That makes it vindictive and that makes me angry.

Oddly, I don’t imagine a particular person in our household committing the offence. In my mind, it is some feud between me and everyone. Which only serves to amplify the irritation.

These irritations appear to be spreading. I’m sure the kids are leaving chip packets lying around in the lounge. And I know it’s deliberate because, by my count, there are more left lying around than we ever purchase.

I can feel one lying around in there right now. If I go in there and I find one... Ooooooh!

We all have different irritants. My wife absolutely cannot stand sniffing and gets very upset when it happens. I don’t get it. I know it’s not nice, but it’s a natural part of life.

Get over it, I say.

‘I wasn’t always like this. I’m sure there was a time I gave such catastrophies little thought’