TimeOut from cancer HOW RONDA'S GIVING BACH
KIWIS DONATING HOLIDAY STAYS WAS A BLESSING TO THIS FAMILY
Digging pools at Hot Water Beach, playing board games and enjoying barbecues might be a typical Kiwi bach holiday, but for Ronda Amende a family escape to the Coromandel proved a powerfully pivotal point after being given one year to live following a cancer diagnosis.
While the purpose of the trip was to create special memories and tackle difficult discussions, it ultimately rejuvenated the crucial bonds which would power Ronda and her loved ones through a seven-year illness, which has tested their strength, caused upheaval in their lives and taken a mental toll which plunged one of her children into depression.
“I don’t think people realise how much terminal illnesses affects not just the person dying, but the people left behind,” reflects the TimeOut Charity founder. “Every three months I get a scan to find out whether I’m going to die in the next three months and my family’s been going through that constantly for seven years.
“It’s extremely difficult for people around me to live with constantly knowing they might lose someone. People don’t get taught how to do that.”
Today, Ronda, 51, has defied the odds of her 2013 small intestine cancer diagnosis – having been clear of new tumours since 2015, experienced bucket list moments and is now excitedly preparing to welcome her first grandchild.
It’s a beautiful family life she doesn’t take for granted, yet growing up in Kawerau with five siblings, she never thought she’d marry or have kids. In fact, Ronda felt so unprepared for motherhood that after marrying David at 20, she switched from studying political science to a Montessori teaching diploma to “mentally prepare” for children.
Her brood – Hunter, now 25, Hannah, 24, and Eden, 21 – were “miracles” given Ronda had a bicornuate uterus, which is a congenital abnormality where the womb is heart-shaped and can increase the risk of complications and miscarriage.
“I nearly lost my son several times, my second pregnancy was twins, but only one survived, and the third was the real miracle as they told us not to have any more.”
Following a hysterectomy, then the 2012 removal of a non-cancerous ovarian cyst, Ronda experienced worsening cramps, which led to doctors finding a lump in her small intestine in 2013.
“It was my daughter’s
17th birthday and we opened presents on my hospital bed before I was wheeled into surgery to remove it.
“It hit me like a ton of bricks,” she says of the cancer diagnosis that followed. “The hardest conversation was telling our kids. My daughter was interviewing for head girl, my son was finishing an exam. They broke down.”
Ronda believes medical staff assumed she had been told her cancer was terminal, yet it wasn’t until two weeks later that her oncologist realised she was unaware. “He stopped the conversation and said, ‘I think you’ve not been told that I’m here to give you palliative care. You’re stage four and there’s no curing this.’”
Ronda started chemotherapy to “buy some time” and once
exams were done, the family took time out in the Coromandel, planning to confront daunting conversations like how they’d need to move to a new house or whether Hunter would proceed with a planned two-year church mission abroad.
“But we never talked about it once,” Ronda recalls. “We ignored the whole thing and it was what we needed. When we returned, we were strong enough for the hard conversations. The trip re-energised us.”
Still, Ronda’s illness took its toll on everyone. While she worried about finances, her kids struggled with the prognosis.
“When young adults are losing someone, it’s so traumatic. I struggled to get my children mental health support.”
The eventually underwent counselling, paid for by their church, and Hunter embarked on his mission – Ronda unsure if she would ever see him again.
Her chemo was successful, but in 2015 new tumours were found, which required further surgery and chemotherapy. Surprisingly, Ronda has been clear since, but needs quarterly scans to check for new growths.
Once her three years of treatment was behind her, she worked with her company – online marketing and website firm Zeald – to launch TimeOut in 2016. The charity allows
Kiwis to donate stays in their baches to the more than
24,000 New Zealanders who are estimated to be living with terminal illness every year.
Ronda notes while friends helping with meals was lovely when she was ill, nothing compared to the gift of their Coromandel reprieve.
“That time out made the difference not just to me, but our family unit. There’s so much you lose control over when you’re sick – the one thing I could control was creating memories.
“And baches are part of Kiwi life. TimeOut isn’t about big, flash holidays, but just spending time together.”
That’s exactly what the family has relished since. Ronda fulfilled her post-diagnosis bucket list of seeing her daughters complete high school and Hunter return from his mission and then wed. Hannah’s now married and pregnant.
Receiving an ASB Good as Gold award in February, Ronda used the prize money for a getaway in Lake Tarawera.
“We’re having good times. They’re not flash. We just gather – that’s what we’ve learned is most important.”
‘The one thing I could control was creating memories’