How do I know IT’S LOVE?
Clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo reveals why the real deal is so much more satisfying than lust
Falling in love is exciting, but it’s the start of the journey, that’s all. It flags almost nothing about how that love might play out. Which means it’s also highly deceptive. We get caught in a rush of emotions and hormones. We’re overwhelmed with the joy (or perhaps relief) of finding someone who “gets” us; we fix on all their good bits and close our ears to any clanging warning bells.
We certainly don’t ask about their “crazy”: the buried complexities; their core belief systems; the (often) dysfunctional ties that bind; their fear-based triggers; their negative, recurring thoughts; or what will wake them screaming in the night. Which we probably should.
Maybe, however, that would take away all the fun. And, at the outset, we need fun. Because lust and infatuation wear off, as does novelty. Desire changes and so does sex. Real or mature love can’t survive in a cauldron of emotion. It needs time to incubate, grow and develop; it needs tolerance, acceptance and forgiveness; and most of all, it needs to stand strong against the ordinary (and sometimes overwhelming) stresses of life. Love is much, much better at that than lust.
When relationships run into trouble, therapists often hear the line: “I love my partner, but I’m not in love with them.”
The first time I heard it, I was puzzled. How does anyone know when they’ve crossed the line, when they’ve officially fallen “out” of love? It didn’t take long to figure it out, however. This phrase is often code for “I want to have sex with someone else.” And that someone else is already hovering behind the curtain. I’ve heard this pitch a number of times – from both men and women.
It seems to take someone else appearing in their lives for them to define their concept of “being in love”. Which is often about sex.
Fair point, but I’ve also seen a number of people abandon their solid (if somewhat dull) relationships for the lure of hot sex, only to find they’d leapt into a firestorm and it wasn’t worth the burn.
In talking relationships with people over a long time, I’ve come to know that “being in love” looks pretty much like plain old love itself.
Here’s my take on the key signs of love.
‘Real or mature love can’t survive in a cauldron of emotion’