The sun is coming... promise... so it is time to spark up the BBQ and dig out the old stories.

Summer is almost upon us which means it is time to fire up the barbecue and visit the butcher for some top cuts of meat. Blokes standing around a fire with meat sizzling, telling stories about their greatest rugby moments... life doesn’t get any better.

Our guest columnist Crashball Colin, otherwise known as ‘ Crash’ has kindly agreed to answer [ fictional] readers’ BBQ- related questions to give everyone a sense of the dos and don’ts this summer.

I don’t do any cooking normally. No idea what I’m doing frankly or how any of that works, is it, therefore, okay for me to be behind the barbecue? - Brian from Pukekohe

Crash: Absolutely Brian – you actually couldn’t be better qualified. It won’t matter how little cooking you normally do – barbecuing is in your DNA. It is in every man’s DNA. Fire and meat – we see them and our primal instincts take over. Admittedly we fatly walk down to the butcher’s these days rather than hunt dinosaurs with sharp sticks... but the business of charring the outside of meat and leaving the middle raw... we were born to do that.

If I am round at my mate’s house and he leaves the BBQ unattended while he deals with possible catastrophes such as the beer fridge only being half full, is it okay for me to step in and turn the sausages? - Smudge from Kapiti Coast

Crash: Look, firstly the man in charge of the BBQ has to delegate responsibility for non- meat/ fire- related activity. If for some reason he hasn’t, then under no circumstances is it acceptable for one man to pick up another man’s BBQ tools. It’s like the TV remote – strictly off limits. How would your mate feel to come back to the BBQ and see another man with his tongs in your hands? No, no, no... you’d cause less offence by having an affair with his wife. It’s a simple thing to remember – don’t touch another man’s sausage.

I end up watching a lot of cooking shows with my wife and there have been times recently when I have been thinking that I would like a glass of wine with my food. Is this normal? - Tarquin from Parnell, Auckland

Crash: Thanks for your honesty in revealing something so personal Tarquin. That must have been hard. Let’s deal with this in two separate parts. The first is the issue of the cooking shows. The way you brought it up suggests there have been times you have lost control of the remote?

First things first – don’t ever let that happen again. Treat it like a loose ball and commit to owning it. Of course you love your better half but in this scenario she is not the love of your life: visualise her as Schalk Burger or Victor Matfield. Don’t

show any pity just as Victor and Schalk wouldn’t show any to you.

Cooking shows are fine, but be careful which ones you watch. A good chef for a true Kiwi bloke to like is Al Brown. He gets what food is all about from a man’s point of view. So if you need to keep the missus happy by letting her watch things she’s interested in, Al Brown is a way of you keeping her sweet and yourself up to speed in things you need to be up to speed with. As for the wine... hmmm... that is a bit of a worry. You should have a no feeling inside when that idea arises. The good news is, it’s a relatively simple fix.

Think of it this way: you are a computer and the craving wine-thing, that’s a software issue. You have a virus. At a guess, you are an outside back... they are prone to these sorts of lapses. They can often be taken in by the mirror, white boots, be overly interested in hair, clothes and moisturiser.

It is worrying but your hard drive should be fine. So close down the system. Forget you have seen any programmes about wine and food matching and reboot. Once your system is up and running, stare at a bottle of beer, the BBQ and meat all at the same time. You should be excited by all three and have yes feelings.

If you don’t... take yourself to a hair stylist, have a manicure and pop off to Ponsonby Road.

I feel that every BBQ we go to, my husband tells the same story over and over about a try he once scored in a big game. I was there that day and I know he’s not telling the truth when he says he ran from behind his own posts and beat seven players? Should I bring this up with him? - Amanda from Gore

The meat for this feature was supplied by www. westmeatonline.co.nz The Primegrill BBQ Marty cooked on was supplied by www.bbqsandmore.co.nz The BBQ tools were supplied by GRILLMAN www.grillman.co.nz Pictures taken by Photosport www.photosport.co.nz

Crash: Wooooahhh there Amanda. You bring up an interesting and possibly valid point. But this business of extending the truth shouldn’t under any circumstances be brought up with your husband. There are a few areas to tackle here. The first is a little awkward – but perhaps you are straying, literally, too close to the flames. No one wants to actually have to put ropes up as such or signs to designate this – it should really be a given that everyone knows that the general vicinity of the BBQ area is an exclusive male environment. Fire, meat, beer... you get the drift.

By straying a little offside as you obviously did, you were unaware of the rules in this territory. It’s a bit like the old days when an irritating flanker flopped on the wrong side of the ruck. In that territory, the rules were different. He could be rucked. The referee didn’t mind that – and the perpetrators had no cause for complaint.

It is imperative that a story is given poetic licence. Your husband, as we all know, received the ball one metre out and fell over the line. But, now that he’s presumably well past his best and not the athlete he once was, he’s allowed to re- write history. That is what we do. That is what BBQs are essentially about – blokes telling utter lies about how good they were back in the day. So a few details get exaggerated. A few facts get missed or changed... go with it Amanda. Does you husband come home from BBQs happy? Do the boys love hearing his tales of heroism and valour? Best let sleeping dogs lie.