It’s a dirty job but someone has to do it . . .
SITUATION VACANT: REIGNING MONARCH. Tired of the same old, same old at the office or dreading performing yet another heart transplant? Paper shuffler or surgeon, maybe it’s time you took control of your life and found the ideal job? Are you a team player, like meeting people, prepared to go the extra mile, at ease with even the most boring politicians and, most importantly, do you have the gift of the gab? Reigning Monarch could be just what you are looking for.
Regal Enterprises (By Appointment to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, providers of recruitment services and silverware) are a Londonbased firm seeking expressions of interest from those who think they have what takes to be their new Chief Executive Officer. The post which dates back to the 900s, has traditionally resulted in appointments based on birth right, fratricide, murder, lust generated resignations and the inevitable lottery thrown up by wars, pestilences, and individual incompetence, but in recent times, under the guidance of Regal Enterprises and its predecessors a more stable, familybased system has evolved.
Regal Enterprises have determined that going forward the familybased model is proving too restrictive and the post is to be offered more widely. The present increasingly fragile structure based on who married whom, and who may have been the product of any consummation of those marriages has thrown up some problems which need to be addressed. The answer is to open the job to a wider pool of candidates.
And so this is your chance. In other words, would you like to be the king or the queen? Your formal title would be ‘‘NAME, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of His/ Her other Realms and Territories King/Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith’’. Quite a mouthful, but you’ll soon get used to it.
This is a leadership role and your experience in successfully heading a large corporation, international conglomerate or fastfood franchise will be important. But you must also be a people person, prepared to exchange inanities with any halfwit who besieges you during what are called ‘‘walkabouts’’ (stout footwear required). While no heavy lifting is involved, a reasonable level of physical fitness will be needed. Strong wrists for handshaking and good hearing to catch the comments of those who will press around you in a delirium of excitement. ExAll Blacks may find this a suitable new career.
In the past the Reigning Monarch position has been held by a wide range of deviants but more recently we have opted for those who, at least outwardly, gave an appearance of normality. Usually heterosexual, Christian, free from gross physical abnormalities and of reasonably sound mind. We didn’t always succeed but we were learning and now, under modern employment legislation, it’s been made much easier. We must now welcome applications from any human being who can demonstrate an ability to breathe through the nose.
So, it’s wide open! Applicants for Reigning Monarch should be fluent public speakers, preferably with English as a first language but radio disc jockeys should not feel discouraged from applying. Speeches will be written for you by staff trained in such matters but you will need to provide an air of sincerity and concern, regardless of what nonsense you are reading. Experienced politicians could see this as a great opportunity.
Location: At the moment residence in London, England is expected but the new appointee may wish to live elsewhere and this can be negotiated. The Chinese and American governments have offered a base in Beijing or Washington and the New Zealand Government has pledged a substantial sum towards the restoration of Cargill’s Castle as a royal residence.
Salary, Negotiable, and will be discussed with the successful candidate but it will be at least to a level of riches beyond the
dreams of avarice.
Travel. This will be extensive but all costs will be covered. Emotional distress money will be paid for time spent in Syria, the Amazon Basin and Auckland.
Appointment. The vacancy has yet to become officially available and the successful appointee will be expected to stand by on a retainer and as a retainer until the present incumbent relinquishes the post. Should the successful candidate have a family, vaguely useful employment may be offered to them, but in the light of past events, Regal Enterprises reserves the right to decide on whether any such offers should be made.
(Present members of what is known as ‘‘The Royal Family’’ are welcome to apply on the understanding that their past behaviour will be taken into consideration).
We provide a no smoking, no pets (except Corgis) environment and pride ourselves on being equal opportunity employers.
Sent your CV to jobs@regent.co.uk.