Life after politics — and golf could be good in New Zealand
BARACK Obama’s golf game with Sir John Key led to a conversation at the 19th hole which was recorded and, naturally, a transcript was leaked to this column.
‘‘Well, Barack, you still play pretty mean.’’
‘‘And the golf is going OK, too. Thanks, Don.’’
‘‘John, actually. Look, I’ve been asked to run something past you. If you’re like me you’ll find things are pretty flat once you’re out of office.’’
‘‘Sure. Sure. Still these speaking tours fill in the time. And those $400,000 fees sure mount up. But, you’re right, Don, nothing beats being President. Hell! In the old days I could have nuked North Korea and got away with it.’’
‘‘Know what you mean. In the old days, I had lunch with the Queen at Balmoral, now I’m lucky if I get invited to a Rotary Club tea meeting. Still, that’s the way it is. But what we have in mind is a scheme to get you back on the world stage and actually have a chance to use your great leadership skills.’’
‘‘Oh, yeah, leadership. That’s what I’ll be talking about on Thursday. I’m using the same speech in Sydney the next day, so that saves a bit of work. Just change the intro. I’ve got a guy who reminds me what city I’m in, so all should be well. Sydney’s the one with the bridge, right?’’
‘‘You’ll be great, Barack. Anyway, the audiences are specially invited ‘All the Way with the USA’ people and getting a free lunch is enough to cut down the heckling. As long as you don’t mention Trump, you should be OK.’’
‘‘Hell, man. I never give Trump a mention in any speeches. Why spoil a good lunch. No, I’ll just stick to how to be a great leader without getting personal. Maybe I could give a plug for this new guy you people are stuck with? What’s his name? Fridges? Sounds cool.’’
‘‘Bridges, actually, but that leads me into what we need to talk about. We don’t think he’s got it to become Prime Minister.’’
‘‘Prime Minister? You’ve got one, haven’t you? I’m meeting her.
Jacquita? Sounds Spanish.’’
‘‘Jacinda, actually. She’s a nice girl.’’ ‘‘Not like that Hilary Clinton. Boy, the nice things I had to say about her during the election. Tough keeping a straight face, I can tell you. That presidential election had me thinking of getting out of the States altogether. What a mad house.’’
‘‘Glad you mentioned that, Barack, because a lot of your countrymen are thinking the same way. You know that one of Trump’s big backers has become a New Zealand citizen and bought himself a $4.5 million bolthole at Lake Wanaka? Just eleven more speeches and you could afford to do the same.’’
‘‘But what the hell would I do in New Zealand? There’s more to life than golf, Don.’’
‘‘John, actually. There certainly is. Our plan is to have you as Prime Minster of New Zealand after the 2020 election.’’
‘‘Sounds crazy. Noone can be a great leader in two different places.’’
‘‘Ever heard of Tim Shadbolt? Mayor of Waitemata and then Mayor of Invercargill. Great leaders flourish wherever they are and that’s why we want you on board. Grab some land at Wanaka and let us sort out the paperwork. You could be a New Zealand citizen in good time to win a safe National seat in a byelection, which we can easily arrange. Then caucus thanks Simon Bridges for keeping the seat warm and chooses you as National Party leader going into the general election. Jacinda won’t have a show. Probably have triplets to look after by then. By late 2020 you will be Prime Minister of New Zealand. Back in power with unlimited opportunities to display your leadership.’’
‘‘Gee, sounds tempting. But I’m a Democrat. Not sure my policies would match your National Party policies.’’
‘‘Policies! Noone cares about them apart from journalists and political commentators. Politics is simply about getting elected. There won’t be a voter in the land who could turn down the chance of voting for the great Barack Obama. You’ll be back on the world stage. You can run a competition to get a decent flag or build a wall across the Kaimais to stop Auckland being overrun with illegals from the South. You’ll be able to refuse a knighthood for Winston Peters and maybe, in time, it will be ‘Sir Barack’. That’s real power, Barack. Not just endless waffling to freeloaders at lunches.’’
‘‘This is all a bit sudden. I’ll have to think about it. Get back to you after Sydney.’’
‘‘OK. But just be careful. The Australians are looking for a decent leader and they may pull a similar stunt. Remember, we asked first.’’
‘‘Sure. We’re old buddies. I won’t forget than, Don.’’
‘‘Umm, John, actually.’’
❛ Hell, man. I never give
Trump a mention in any speeches. Why spoil a good
lunch.