Secret diary

MONDAY

The house is looking even worse than it was last week. I thought it was just a matter of sweeping the odd piece of rubbish under the carpet, but I turned around this morning and there was Clare Curran.

‘‘I’d like to have a word with you,’’ I said, and gave her the death stare.

‘‘To the best of my recollection, I have somewhere else I have to be,’’ she said.

‘‘No, you don’t,’’ I said, and intensified the death stare. ‘‘Listen. It’s come to my attention that you’re using your private gmail account to conduct government business. Please tell me exactly what kind of government business?’’

She said, ‘‘To the best of my recollection, um ah ah I’ve, I haven’t, um, I haven’t used my, um, I’ve answered, um, OIA, um, ah, OIA responses and personal, um, and to the best of my recollection, um, ah, you know, that’s what I have done.’’

‘‘You’re going to have to do better than that if anyone puts the question to you in the House,’’ I said. ‘‘But I accept your answer. Thank you for your honesty.’’

She said, ‘‘Hey are you OK?’’ ‘‘What?’’

‘‘You’ve developed this habit of staring at people as if you’ve just swallowed a whole grapefruit or something. It looks kind of weird.’’

I said, ‘‘Didn’t you say you had somewhere else you had to be?’’

‘‘To the best of my recollection,’’ she said, ‘‘no.’’

TUESDAY

The house is looking worse than it was yesterday. I was just about to roll up my sleeves and deal to it when I stepped into a new mess courtesy of Winston. He’s come out and said there’s no way he’ll support the Government’s intention to increase the refugee intake.

I think I’ll go to Nauru and have a word with Mr Peters! He has some explaining to do. He needs to know he can’t just make announcements like that. They leave an impression that the coalition Government has lost the plot. Well, we haven’t lost anything. We know where everything is, and we get on with it.

I found Kelvin Davis to tell him he’d have to step in as acting prime minister while I was away. He was tossing around a rugby ball with a couple of ministers.

I said, ‘‘Can do?’’

‘‘You can count on me,’’ he said. He dropped the ball.

WEDNESDAY

I got to Nauru and lost my luggage. I spent the whole day looking for it or thinking about looking for it.

THURSDAY

I got back from Nauru and still no trace of my luggage. I got an advisory committee to look for it.

FRIDAY

Clare Curran has come to the view the issues currently surrounding her are causing an unacceptable distraction for the Government and immense pressure on her personally. ‘‘Bye,’’ I said.

‘‘Bye.’’

‘‘How long were you a minister? Ten months?’’

‘‘Something like that.’’

‘‘Well,’’ I said, ‘‘it wasn’t all bad.’’ ‘‘To the best of my recollection,’’ she said, ‘‘it kind of was.’’ — The New Zealand Herald