THE SECRET DIARY OF...

MONDAY

I didn’t hear Jane come home. I was in the kitchen, whistling, and turned around to get eggs from the fridge when I saw her.

‘‘Oh!’’, I said.

She laughed, and said, ‘‘Did you have a fight?’’

I said, ‘‘What do you mean, a fight?’’ She came closer, and said, ‘‘No, I asked if I gave you a fright.’’

‘‘Oh,’’ I said, and laughed. ‘‘No. Hello, darling. How was your day?’’

I poured her a glass of wine. She took it and sat in the lounge, and said, ‘‘You look thinner.’’

‘‘Thanks. Do you think so?’’

She got up and walked back into the kitchen. ‘‘I asked what was for dinner,’’ she said.

‘‘Oh,’’ I said. ‘‘Sorry. It’s the hearing aids. I got on to the app today and turned the volume down a bit.’’

‘‘Maybe turn it back up,’’ she said.

I whisked the eggs. Actually I think I do look a little bit thinner. Sometimes you hear what you want to hear.

TUESDAY

‘‘Order,’’ I cried all day long in the House, until I gave myself a headache. ‘‘Order! Order!’’

I looked out at a sea of angry faces. ‘‘Mr Speaker!’’ they roared all day long. ‘‘Mr Speaker! Mr Speaker!’’

I stood for silence but really it was just for relief.

When I sat down again, the noise just got louder, and louder, and I looked over at Simon Bridges, who started making barnyard noises — he was a cow, a sheep, a horse, he made all of those noises, plus I’m sure he also bleated like a goat, so I ejected him, threw him out, gave him a straight red card.

When I got home, Jane poured me a glass, and I checked the settings on the app. Maybe putting it on maximum was a bad idea.

WEDNESDAY

I threw out Nick Smith, and suspended him, too. Annoying fellow!

THURSDAY

Winston Peters is always such a joy in the House. Marvellous fellow!

FRIDAY

The boss called. ‘‘Tough week,’’ she said. ‘‘Just checking you’re all right?’’

God I love Jacinda! Who doesn’t? I laughed, and said, ‘‘I’m all good, thanks!’’

She said, ‘‘Don’t let those accusations of bias get to you. You’re as fair as can be.’’

I said, ‘‘What accusations? What are people saying?’’

‘‘Well,’’ she said. ‘‘You know. Just that you’re a biased Speaker. Stupid talk like that.’’

‘‘Oh.’’ I said. ‘‘I haven’t heard a thing.’’ — The New Zealand Herald