Putting it in baby talk, just for you, Donald
DEAR Donald, This science stuff is hard to get your head around, isn’t it?
My 57% in school certificate general science may not have equipped me particularly well for life.
To this day I would be unable to balance a simple chemical equation and, although I love a good seesaw, don’t ask me to calculate anything involving a fulcrum. (I could, however, write a thesis about the life cycle of the blob of spit bobbing up and down on the lower lip of the teacher who futilely tried to explain forces, fulcrums and, let’s be frank, anything in the physics curriculum.)
Like you now, attention to relevant detail was not my strong suit in those days.
Luckily, I have been blessed with offspring who, despite their dip in the shallow end of my gene pool, and while not apparently paying much attention in class either, seem to have grasped scientific concepts and are only too keen to put me right when I get confused.
In the days since the World Economic Forum in Davos, it’s been worrying me that even though you claim to be an environmentalist, wanting the cleanest air and water, you really don’t get this climate change business, do you? That’s odd, because the BBC reports that back in 2009 you were one of the business leaders who signed a fullpage New York Times advertisement supporting legislation combating climate change.
That statement said: ‘‘If we fail to act now, it is scientifically irrefutable that there will be catastrophic and irreversible consequences for humanity and our planet.’’
Your public pronouncements are so confused on this they are hard to follow. Do you still think climate change is mythical, nonexistent or an expensive hoax or, now that you are heading towards an election, is it really becoming a serious subject that is very important to you?
In Davos you said it is a time for optimism, not pessimism, and that to embrace the possibilities of tomorrow we must ‘‘reject the perennial prophets of doom and their predictions of the apocalypse’’.
Your decision to join the One Trillion Trees Initiative will not solve the issues of climate change.
The idea that ‘‘a growing and vibrant market economy focused on the future lifts the human spirit and excites creativity strong enough to overcome any challenge’’ might sound impressive, but isn’t what you call ‘‘choosing growth’’ simply irresponsible in the long term?
Having recently spent a week with a friend’s piripoho, I wonder if it would help you to regard the world as a precious newborn. (It’s metaphor, Donald. Do you get that? Another example would be me describing you as an orange tweetseeking missile. Nah, the pun complicates it.)
While we are on the subject of grammar, I love the way all the midwives call him Baby as if it is his name. No definite article is required. (Sorry if that word ‘‘article’’ hits a raw nerve with you, given that ghastly impeachment business.) Somehow, giving him the propernoun status of Baby, rather than the baby, seems, well, proper. He is definitely someone important enough for a capital letter. It certainly makes more sense than your ludicrous habit of calling yourself The Donald.
Over cake and cups of tea, we can spend hours gazing at this perfect little being. His hands, his feet, his sprouting eyelashes and impressive head of hair, his plumping legs and increasing girth.
We delight in his facial expressions — the disarming knowing stare, the pouting, the concentration when we fear a poonami, the startle and more.
When we see a frown flicker across his brow, we wonder what can possibly be troubling him. We see smiling and know we have heard him laughing in his sleep, although nobody else really believes it. They think it is wind. Wind. As if. Think about it, Donald. As someone who produces much hot air, do you reckon it provokes involuntary smiling?
We analyse every sound and stretch. We worry when we cannot interpret his angry cry or stop it after he has been feeding and feeding and feeding and bathed and changed. We coo, cuddle, rock and sway, coo, cuddle, rock and sway until at last he gives in to sleep.
Then we marvel at him all over again. Is there anything more beautiful than a sleeping baby?
For now, the rhythm of life is Baby’s and we must go along with it even when we are tired and it may not be what we want to do. Working out how to keep Baby safe from harm is not always straightforward, but our desire to do it is overwhelming.
Imagine if everyone felt that way about the warming world. There would be no need for doomsday merchants.