THE SECRET DIARY OF . . . WAITANGI
JACINDA ARDERN
United we stand.
JAMES SHAW
Where do I stand?
WINSTON PETERS
Shaw, you bloody idiot, make yourself useful for once. Here. Stand next to Bridges so I don’t have to.
SIMON BRIDGES
I won’t stand for it. I’m telling you now, I won’t stand for it. I’m rebelling. You want to know what I’m rebelling against? Here’s my answer: what’ve you got? OK? Because I’m the wild one. Because I’m looking for trouble and brother let me tell you, I’ve come to the right place.
JACINDA ARDERN
Together we shall cross the bridge.
JAMES SHAW
Where do I cross the bridge?
WINSTON PETERS
I never saw a bridge I didn’t want to burn.
SIMON BRIDGES
There’s a new bridge in town and it’s me. Simon Bridges. Cross me at your own risk. Also, lay off my blue suede shoes.
JACINDA ARDERN
By our deeds you shall know us.
JAMES SHAW
I’d like to sit down, but I don’t know where.
WINSTON PETERS
I know this. I don’t care that Simon Bridges has ruled out National forming a coalition with New Zealand First. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest, not a jot. Not one bit. I haven’t given it a moment’s thought.
Hardly noticed it. I’m happy as.
SIMON BRIDGES
I know what the quiet New Zealander thinks of Waitangi Day. He thinks it’s a day off work. And it should be, except who can relax under a Labour government? They’ve promised to deliver, and they haven’t delivered. And I’m not happy about that. I’m mad as hell about that, and I’m not going to take it anymore. And that’s what I’m YELLING because if there’s one thing a quiet New Zealander wants, it’s someone YELLING.
JACINDA ARDERN
Who would like a sausage?
JAMES SHAW
Do you have a glutenfree sausage?
WINSTON PETERS
Of course I don’t want a bloody sausage. I’ve got important things to get on now that Simon bloody Bridges has closed the bloody door on New Zealand First. And the last thing I need right now are questions about the New Zealand First Foundation, which has a totally transparent funding structure. It’s so transparent that I don’t need to answer any questions about it. Anyone who persists in asking questions is playing politics, and I’m not at Waitangi to play politics. I’m at Waitangi to eat sausages.
SIMON BRIDGES
The thing about the Labour government is that its all sizzle and no sausage. Apart from the hundreds or more likely thousands of sausages which Jacinda Ardern is sizzling at her traditional Waitangi Day cookup. Well, that’s nice. But sausages aren’t going to fill you up. Well, all right, they are. If you eat enough of them, and there does seem to be enough to go around at Waitangi. But we can’t all be at Waitangi. Forget Waitangi.
JACINDA ARDERN
It’s about Waitangi Day.
SIMON BRIDGES
It’s about Election Day.
JAMES SHAW
It’s about Waitangi Day, and Election Day. And, you know, the planet. I think?
WINSTON PETERS
It’s about me. — The New Zealand
Herald