THE SERIOUS FRAUD OFFICE
MONDAY
We have a situation.
Our investigators have been looking into claims made by Mr JamiLee Ross, who claims to be a politician.
Mr Ross claims that the National Party has received more cookies than is permitted by the Electoral Cookie Commission, but that it broke them into crumbs and dispersed them into separate packets to make it look like their cookie quota was all good.
As a result of our investigations, the Serious Fraud Office is preparing to lay charges against four people who the SFO alleges used a fraudulent device, trick, or stratagem to crumble the cookies.
The SFO wishes to place on record our thanks and gratitude to Mr Ross for blowing the whistle on what appears to be a very great wrong.
As a gesture of our appreciation, we will be hosting a morning tea for Mr Ross at our offices on Thursday.
All staff are invited to attend.
TUESDAY
We have a situation.
Our investigators have been looking into a labyrinth within a riddle wrapped around an enigma surrounded by a moat of arrogance which flows into a bottomless well of contempt, otherwise known as Winston Peters.
The investigation concerns accusations that the New Zealand First Foundation is hiding undeclared cookies donated to New Zealand First.
Mr Peters is the leader of New Zealand First. The New Zealand First Foundation is run by Mr Brian Henry, who is Mr Peters’ close friend and lawyer.
However Mr Peters has repeatedly told SFO investigators that New Zealand First has nothing to do with the New Zealand First Foundation, and that any resemblance in the two names ought to be viewed as entirely coincidental but that personally he didn’t see any resemblance whatsoever in any way, shape or form, and anyone who did was a jackass.
WEDNESDAY
We have a situation.
Staff are advised that tomorrow’s planned morning tea for Mr JamiLee Ross has been cancelled.
Our expectations that Mr Ross would be pleased at the SFO investigation into the case of the fraudulent cookie crumbs have to be offset by the fact that, in the course of our inquiries, we discovered what appeared to be Mr Ross’ own hand stuck in the cookie jar.
THURSDAY
We have a situation.
Our investigators, who are trained to spot a cookie at a thousand paces, blindfolded, have so far been unable to detect so much as a crumb that might link the New Zealand First Foundation to New Zealand First. Two possibilities exist.
One, there are no cookies.
Two, there are cookies, but they have been hidden so well that our investigators will never, ever find them.
‘‘That,’’ Mr Peters told our investigators, ‘‘is the way the cookie crumbles.’’
FRIDAY
We have two situations although in essence they’re the same situation.
Mr Peters has claimed that his
SFO investigation is politically motivated.
Mr Ross meanwhile has claimed that his SFO investigation is also politically motivated.
Staff are invited to a morning tea so we can all have a good laugh at Mr Peters and Mr Ross, and then go back to our desks and redouble our effort to bust them.