Presidential library a coup for small Central Otago town
Arecent letter to the ODT editor revealed that even in deepest Fairfield great minds are at work. Susan and Roger Jones of that suburb, renowned as a hotbed of clandestine CIA activity, suggested that the Patearoa Library, now with some spare shelving after a recent cull inspired by the National Library policy of chucking out books which didn’t quite meet the standard, could become the Donald Trump Presidential Library.
At first glance, the Patearoa scheme looked unlikely. Barack Obama is building a
$300 million library in Chicago and it seems that Trump has asked for $2 billion from the faithful for a planned library in Florida. The Patearoa Library, with an annual operating budget of $16.40, might struggle to meet its presidential responsibilities.
Of course, with Trump, who knows what’s real news and fake news? But we did get a call from New York which indicates that Fairfield may have strong mafia links. The Patearoa librarian, a woman of great literary sensitivity, took the call and at the other end was Dan Scanvino, onetime golf caddy for Trump and now in charge of organising the Trump library.
His Italian American voice, littered with ‘‘hey, babe’’ and ‘‘mama mia’’, she found distasteful and as UnderAssistant Librarian I was instructed to ‘‘deal with this person’’.
‘‘Hey, Jim, has the Illegally Deposed President got a deal for you! There’s $2 billion floating around and we need some library space. Whaddya say?’’
I told him I would have to consult with my colleague. She hesitated, as her strong dislike of Donald Trump was all that’s kept her going these last four years. Same with me, I guess, but this scheme was pretty tempting. My approach was shrewd. I played on her finer feelings like a piano.
‘‘Look, libraries are knowledge centres and should never be censored. Remember Noddy and Big Ears. We still have those books on the shelves, golliwogs and all. Other, lesser libraries turfed them out in a passion of political correctness. We even have a shelf of Jackie Collins bodicerippers when good taste would suggest they should be pulped. Surely, we can accommodate Trump’s collection? Probably just books about Donald Trump.’’
She wilted and agreed. After all, $2 billion would solve our book buying problems and fix the leaky roof.
I thanked her and drew up a plan. It seemed that if Obama was planning a 20,000sq m presidential centre we might just need a bit more room than the 20ft x 12ft Patearoa Library offers.
Happily, right across the road is Owen Cambridge’s old builder’s workshop. Roomy, still has a fireplace and is pretty well unused these days. Maybe just a new door and a lick of paint. Even has a corrugated iron sleepout, ideal for the curator’s quarters. The owner isn’t local, but I sent him an email explaining the scheme. Last chance really, as I’ve asked around and it seemed that noone in Patearoa is keen to sell any building or piece of land that might be tainted by a connection with Donald Trump. Seems a shame more Americans weren’t of a similar mind back in 2016.
The workshop owner wasn’t keen, so we’re left with a building about the size of the average wash house to accommodate the entire Donald Trump library! But then, a gleam of hope. It seems that Obama’s library will contain no paper, just screens for viewing digitised stuff. The originals will be stored in some barn miles from anywhere. It also transpired that Trump was not much into paper. Written documents he always tore up and threw into the wastepaper bin. (National Archives employees are even now trying to salvage the historical record piece by piece with Sellotape).
So, not much paper and mainly emails, tweets and digital stuff. Maybe a very small library with internet access was all we needed.
I rang Dan and explained all this.
‘‘Yeah, you got it, Jim. The Illegally Deposed President wasn’t too keen on leaving any documentary evidence of his term in office. That’s the sort of stuff they try and do you in with at court hearings. We’re talking impeachment here. Not nice. No, we won’t need much room. And let’s be honest, my friend, we need to set this thing up outside of the US of A. I’m told there’s no state which will have the Illegally Deposed President’s library within its borders.’’
‘‘OK. Make us an offer for the Patearoa Library.’’
‘‘Yeah, great, Jim. I’ll check with the Illegally Deposed President and get back to you.’’
‘‘What about timing, Dan?
The library here needs a bit of a spruce up.’’
‘‘No problem. The Illegally Deposed President has only got two books for his Presidential Library and we won’t be sending them for weeks. He hasn’t coloured them in yet.’’