Create a capitalist kid this Christmas
This year why not get your child something more enduring than a brightly-coloured piece of plastic destined for the landfill?
THIS time last year, I did my very best to convince everyone that Christmas gifts were horribly inefficient and wasteful and we should probably just exchange envelopes of cash instead.
For some inexplicable reason, not everyone was on board with this. Too impersonal and transactional, they said. Something about being cold and dead inside. And what about the children? Don’t let it be said that I never respond to criticism. This year, I’ve cast out my inner Grinch, and come up with a list of proper Christmas gift ideas for the small human beings in your life.
A BANK ACCOUNT
Every child must one day disembowel their beloved plastic pig, spill out its innards, and go deposit them in an actual bank. In a digital world, this ritual might as well happen sooner rather than later. Most banks have fee-free accounts for kids while still paying out interest, which lets them experience the thrill of new money appearing from thin air. It’s basically magic! Top up their contributions with some of your own, and you can get them hooked on saving good and early.
SHARES
Stocks are the perfect stockingstuffer for pint-sized capitalist barons. You can register shares in your giftee’s name, and print a (symbolic) certificate of ownership to hang on the wall. This is more about learning about investing than making a fortune. It might be an idea to buy the youngster something familiar like Restaurant Brands, so they can proudly brag that they ‘‘own’’ KFC and Pizza Hut, and earn dividends with every spoonful of potato-and-gravy. Not hot: People seem to love gifting Bonus Bonds, but these are only one step above lottery tickets in terms of taking advantage of people who can’t do maths.
UNIVERSITY FUND
A stake in a low-fee, diversified managed fund might be a bit hard for a child to grasp, but it’s also a lot smarter than buying one stock. Even if the recipient doesn’t really understand, they’ll be overwhelmed with gratitude once they discover 10 years of compounding interest has bestowed them with a tidy little sum, right when the terrifying expenses of adulthood are looming large. Not hot: You could set this up as a KiwiSaver account, but there are no particular benefits before age 18, and added restrictions on what the money can be used for.
BITCOIN
If Bitcoin lives up to the hype, gifting it to a child will make them a part of history, as one of the early wielders of a technology that overhauls the entire financial industry. If it doesn’t, well, they get to learn a valuable lesson about bubbles and the ‘‘greater fool’’ theory.
Honestly, I’m not even sure if I’m joking about this one. Do be warned that if the price doubles by January, you may kick yourself for giving any of your precious satoshis to your snotnosed nephew.
CHARITY GIFT CARD
While all children start out as vicious sociopaths, there is some hope if you can get to them early enough. Charities like Oxfam offer cute gift cards for donating a goat or a toilet to someone less fortunate. This sort of idea is easy to grasp for young ones, and you can always teach them about more effective causes later. If possible, get the sprog to choose for themselves so they’re invested in the process. Don’t make the fatal mistake of only getting them a charity gift, or you’ll undo all your careful nudging and forever be the lame uncle or aunt.
BOOKS
Eagle-eyed readers may have spotted that all the ideas presented so far were thinlydisguised versions of gifting cash. To which I say: OK, you got me, but what about books? That’s pretty much the only present I got for Christmas, and I turned out OK. To continue the money theme, perhaps start your eightyear-old on Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, then graduate to Hayek’s The Road to Serfdom when they’re ready to get serious.
Most presents end up in opshops and rubbish bins, but good money habits last for life. When the recipients of these sort of ‘boring’ financial gifts end up debt-free throughout uni, swanning around Europe on a gap year, or becoming ruthless industrialists, I doubt they’ll regret having contributed a few less plastic toys to landfill than everyone else. Got a burning money question? Email Budget Buster at richard.meadows@thedeepdish.org, or hit him up on Facebook.