Is it the tweet or the Twitterer?
Istill use Twitter. Crazy, I know. To be honest, I hardly read it any more. My feed is an s-storm of crappy political debates, anonymous trolls, racism, sexism, homophobia and, of course, arguing about what racism, sexism and homophobia is.
But I’m a straight white guy and all that stuff hardly affects me. So I’m still on there.
It’s a good place to test out jokes and find out who’s bragging about being in the Koru lounge.
And as stand-up comedy seems to be drowning in endless, half-cooked Netflix specials, Twitter is still a great place to find genuinely original oneliners and sharp political gags.
My Twitter is not a good example of this.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a few winners, but let’s not focus on the positives.
I have pages and pages of terrible tweets, and better yet, terrible drafts that somehow avoided being published.
Today is a day to celebrate my failed Twitter drafts of the year just gone.
Failed tweet: ‘‘It’s not just Jacinda’s baby, it’s Clarke’s baby too – and that’s why we’re so worried!’’ I love making Clarke Gayford jokes. I assume he’d be cool with them. I don’t know him besides a few casual hellos but I enjoy painting him as this dude who hangs at home playing Xbox while his partner runs the country.
When I was reviewed by Stuff, the writer really hated my Clarke material so I cut it. I admit it, I’m a coward.
Failed tweet: ‘‘People who complain that people are getting too easily offended these days get too easily offended these days!’’ I seem to have an amazing ability to accidentally wind up the PCgone-mad brigade. It’s hilarious that the People Are Too Sensitive crowd are actually quite sensitive.
I learned that everyone gets offended, and people who complain that people are too easily offended these days, normally get just as easily upset, just over different things.
Failed tweet: ‘‘You’re crazy if you think I’m gas lighting you right now.’’ Does everyone know what gas lighting is? No? That’s why no-one laughed at this joke when I tried it on stage.
Failed tweet: ‘‘It’s so weird watching NBA players dunking when a time-out is called and the trampoline guys come out and do dunks off trampolines!’’ This is not a joke. It needs to be structured differently but I think it’s hilarious.
If you have an NBA League Pass there are no ads during the games. The time-out entertainment ‘‘dunk squad’’ comes out instead and it’s often a bunch of dudes doing a more extreme, but considerably less cool, version of what you’ve just been watching on court.
It’s like if you were watching the swimming championships and at halftime some guys came out and did flipper swimming, really fast, up and down the pool. Maybe I’ll workshop that idea and bring it back this year.
Failed tweet: ‘‘Nothing says ‘I have no hobbies or interests’ like mentioning craft beer in your social media profile.’’ I didn’t tweet it because so many of my friends are like this that I was worried they’d all think I was singling them out.
A love of craft beer (especially among men from Wellington) is so prevalent that you may as well write ‘‘I enjoy bacon’’ or ‘‘I brush my teeth most days’’. It’s not really a distinguishing characteristic and it always makes me wonder what people are really hiding.
Failed tweet: In response to the story ‘Miss America bans swimsuit section’: ‘‘This is where having unorthodox sexual preferences really pays off. Every section is like the swimwear section if you’re into feet!’’ I said it out loud to friends and no-one laughed. I thought it was good.
Failed tweet: ‘‘There’s nothing wrong with virtue signalling or being a social justice warrior. If your biggest criticism of someone is that they’re trying to say the right thing online then they’re probably doing all right.’’ This isn’t even joke, it’s just a good point.
Good luck out there on social media in 2019, and remember, keep posting because even your worst ideas might come in handy when you’re on holiday and desperate to fill a column.