Is it the tweet or the Twit­terer?

Sunday News - - FEATURE -

Istill use Twit­ter. Crazy, I know. To be hon­est, I hardly read it any more. My feed is an s-storm of crappy po­lit­i­cal de­bates, anony­mous trolls, racism, sex­ism, ho­mo­pho­bia and, of course, ar­gu­ing about what racism, sex­ism and ho­mo­pho­bia is.

But I’m a straight white guy and all that stuff hardly af­fects me. So I’m still on there.

It’s a good place to test out jokes and find out who’s brag­ging about be­ing in the Koru lounge.

And as stand-up com­edy seems to be drown­ing in end­less, half-cooked Net­flix spe­cials, Twit­ter is still a great place to find gen­uinely orig­i­nal oneliners and sharp po­lit­i­cal gags.

My Twit­ter is not a good ex­am­ple of this.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a few win­ners, but let’s not fo­cus on the pos­i­tives.

I have pages and pages of ter­ri­ble tweets, and bet­ter yet, ter­ri­ble drafts that some­how avoided be­ing pub­lished.

To­day is a day to cel­e­brate my failed Twit­ter drafts of the year just gone.

Failed tweet: ‘‘It’s not just Jacinda’s baby, it’s Clarke’s baby too – and that’s why we’re so wor­ried!’’ I love mak­ing Clarke Gay­ford jokes. I as­sume he’d be cool with them. I don’t know him be­sides a few ca­sual hel­los but I en­joy paint­ing him as this dude who hangs at home play­ing Xbox while his part­ner runs the coun­try.

When I was re­viewed by Stuff, the writer re­ally hated my Clarke ma­te­rial so I cut it. I ad­mit it, I’m a cow­ard.

Failed tweet: ‘‘Peo­ple who com­plain that peo­ple are get­ting too eas­ily of­fended these days get too eas­ily of­fended these days!’’ I seem to have an amaz­ing abil­ity to ac­ci­den­tally wind up the PC­gone-mad bri­gade. It’s hi­lar­i­ous that the Peo­ple Are Too Sen­si­tive crowd are ac­tu­ally quite sen­si­tive.

I learned that every­one gets of­fended, and peo­ple who com­plain that peo­ple are too eas­ily of­fended these days, nor­mally get just as eas­ily up­set, just over dif­fer­ent things.

Failed tweet: ‘‘You’re crazy if you think I’m gas light­ing you right now.’’ Does every­one know what gas light­ing is? No? That’s why no-one laughed at this joke when I tried it on stage.

Failed tweet: ‘‘It’s so weird watch­ing NBA play­ers dunk­ing when a time-out is called and the tram­po­line guys come out and do dunks off tram­po­lines!’’ This is not a joke. It needs to be struc­tured dif­fer­ently but I think it’s hi­lar­i­ous.

If you have an NBA League Pass there are no ads dur­ing the games. The time-out en­ter­tain­ment ‘‘dunk squad’’ comes out in­stead and it’s of­ten a bunch of dudes do­ing a more ex­treme, but con­sid­er­ably less cool, ver­sion of what you’ve just been watch­ing on court.

It’s like if you were watch­ing the swim­ming cham­pi­onships and at half­time some guys came out and did flip­per swim­ming, re­ally fast, up and down the pool. Maybe I’ll work­shop that idea and bring it back this year.

Failed tweet: ‘‘Noth­ing says ‘I have no hob­bies or in­ter­ests’ like men­tion­ing craft beer in your so­cial me­dia pro­file.’’ I didn’t tweet it be­cause so many of my friends are like this that I was wor­ried they’d all think I was sin­gling them out.

A love of craft beer (es­pe­cially among men from Wellington) is so preva­lent that you may as well write ‘‘I en­joy ba­con’’ or ‘‘I brush my teeth most days’’. It’s not re­ally a dis­tin­guish­ing char­ac­ter­is­tic and it al­ways makes me won­der what peo­ple are re­ally hid­ing.

Failed tweet: In re­sponse to the story ‘Miss Amer­ica bans swim­suit sec­tion’: ‘‘This is where hav­ing un­ortho­dox sex­ual pref­er­ences re­ally pays off. Ev­ery sec­tion is like the swimwear sec­tion if you’re into feet!’’ I said it out loud to friends and no-one laughed. I thought it was good.

Failed tweet: ‘‘There’s noth­ing wrong with virtue sig­nalling or be­ing a so­cial jus­tice war­rior. If your big­gest crit­i­cism of some­one is that they’re try­ing to say the right thing on­line then they’re prob­a­bly do­ing all right.’’ This isn’t even joke, it’s just a good point.

Good luck out there on so­cial me­dia in 2019, and re­mem­ber, keep post­ing be­cause even your worst ideas might come in handy when you’re on hol­i­day and des­per­ate to fill a col­umn.

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