We are most definitely not amused

You have to feel for the Queen as new material for ‘The Crown’ on Netflix just keeps coming.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth finally stopped banging her head on the wall about noon.

She was starting to get a headache, but the head-banging was the only thing she could think to do after her fool child of a second son, Prince Andrew, was interviewed on BBC about his ties with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

‘‘Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy’’, was all the Queen could mutter to herself as she rubbed her head, which was starting to feel a bit sore.

Maybe it was just a bad dream, she thought hopefully. One of those weird dreams where nothing seems to make sense, the daytime-nap ones. She called for one of her staff to bring up the Interweb on the royal laptop, but a quick search revealed the headline: ‘‘Royal Disgrace!’’

But it wasn’t the usual racist tabloid story about her daughter-in-law the Duchess of Sussex catching a private jet, spending money, or what she was wearing.

It was about how the fallout from Prince Andrew’s interview could represent the most serious crisis facing the royal family since her uncle, Edward VIII, abdicated in 1936 so he could marry a divorced American.

‘‘OK, cool,’’ the Queen thought, as she closed the royal laptop in frustration. She called out for her two dorgis, Vulcan and Candy. A delightful combination of dachshund and corgi, they could always be relied upon to cheer her up. But even the delightful sight of them waddling into the State Rooms on their cute little legs couldn’t offer any succour.

The royal cellphone rang. It was a number she didn’t recognise, but she thought she’d better answer. No-one ever rang her unless it was important. ‘‘Hello, this is the Queen.’’

The voice on the other end of the line was subdued: ‘‘Mother, it’s Andrew. I’ve had to change my number because of all the frightfully rude reporters that are calling me.’’

The Queen smoothly switched into one of her favourite royal pranks: ‘‘I’m not here right now, but if you leave a message, one of my courtiers will get back to you,’’ then hung up.

She wasn’t ready to speak to him yet. Not when in one catastrophic misguided interview, he managed to outdo all the previous misguided royal interviews.

The one in 1992 where Prince Charles confessed his infidelity, the one a year later where Princess Diana talked about her marriage of three, or even the one with Prince Andrew’s ex-wife, the Duchess of

York, when she was on 60 Minutes Australia, talking about the time she was set up by a News of the World sting into accepting a bribe.

The Queen thought she should call her eldest son, Charles, for advice. When he answered, she launched into a long list of her grievances about his idiot brother’s interview – his arrogance and lack of empathy. Instead, lots of odd stories including one where he claims he doesn’t sweat anymore. ‘‘I’m 93, I’m tired and I deserve better!’’

But it was all to Charles’ royal voicemail: ‘‘Hi it’s Chuck. Thankfully, I’m in New Zealand, as far away as possible from any drama in the UK. Leave a message.’’

The Queen hung up, wondering if that was really a voice message or whether she’d trained him too well when it came to royal pranks. She decided to go back to working on her Christmas message for the year. This one would have to be a doozy.

‘‘It is with great regret that my husband and I would like to announce … that our son Andrew is adopted.’’

‘Andrew managed to outdo all the previous misguided royal interviews.’