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Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - NEWS - Robyn Sal­is­bury is a clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist. Email ques­tions to MrsSal­is­bury@sex­ther­apy.co.nz.

I am with a guy and ev­ery­thing is great ex­cept that my sex drive is much higher than his.

I have tried to talk to him and he has told me that he is not feel­ing good about him­self cur­rently as he has put on some weight and has no in­ter­est in sex. When we first started see­ing each other it was only sex and it was amaz­ing and pas­sion­ate. Now, if I can get him in­ter­ested, it is pretty vanilla.

It is hard to feel that it doesn’t have some­thing to do with me. He tells me it’s not, but I feel like it is. I don’t care what size he is, I am still so at­tracted and turned on by him. The re­jec­tion is get­ting to me and makes me feel like there is some­thing wrong with me for want­ing it. Ev­ery­thing else is great but this part.

What do I do? I agree sex is not ev­ery­thing, but it is a big part of a re­la­tion­ship for me. Good on you for be­ing upfront and hon­est about how you’re feel­ing and what you value; I trust you have done it kindly and avoided adding hu­mil­i­a­tion into the mix.

You two are dis­cov­er­ing how vul­ner­a­ble your sex­u­al­ity can make you. It’s hard to ini­ti­ate sex and it’s hard to be re­jected; both are a chal­lenge for self­es­teem for all gen­ders. I’d en­cour­age you per­son­ally to see this as a tem­po­rary op­por­tu­nity to learn to sup­port your erotic self and con­fi­dence by your­self.

What is your guy do­ing about his ex­cess weight and lack of li­bido? It’s a good start to ac­knowl­edge a prob­lem, but then ac­tion needs to be taken if any­thing is to change. Fat cells pro­duce oe­stro­gen, so weight gain could be the ex­pla­na­tion or it may be more than that.

Given that you two had hot sex at first, I won­der if some­where in­side this man is not cop­ing with the tran­si­tion from hav­ing a lover to be­ing in a lov­ing re­la­tion­ship. Try open­ing a con­ver­sa­tion about what this means to him, and what as­so­ci­a­tions he has with re­la­tion­ships. Some peo­ple fear com­mit­ment, some mind­lessly take on a sense of bur­den or en­trap­ment be­cause that’s what they’ve seen hap­pen to oth­ers.

You two are dis­cov­er­ing how vul­ner­a­ble your sex­u­al­ity can make you.

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