Sex advice with Mrs Salisbury
For two years I have been having a long-distance relationship with a man I will call Bill. I love being with this man. He is kind, loveable and when we get together we have a great time. Our sex is phenomenal.
The problem is his ex-girlfriend. She has a new boyfriend, but seems to constantly be in touch with Bill either by phone, texts, emails or when she visits him. I got a divorce because of infidelity, and the constant communication really bothers me. We get into arguments because of this; I have expressed my concerns to Bill but he says they are just friends, and that I need to get used to it.
Do I? Does his ex really know the close relationship we have? Do you think he is still in love with this woman, and I need to move on? Please advise. I feel betrayed sometimes. You’re raising the hugely important issue of loyalty and all the complexities of this in your situation. Living apart omits the security of visible commitment, not that that is any guarantee but it would ensure this ex knows Bill has entered another relationship. What kind of relationship contract do you two have? You sound like you want a monogamous relationship; what about Bill?
It’s true you don’t have the right to dictate your partner’s friends – that wouldn’t be a sound base for a relationship. Equally important is consideration. If my contact with an ex was driving my partner crazy, I’d want to be moderating that contact, at least until I have built up trust with my partner that I’m serious about “us”. Your part in that kind of agreement would be to work hard on facing your fears of getting hurt again and ensuring you lay old baggage to rest.
Right now it’s unclear how much that baggage may be driving your feeling of betrayal versus wise intuition. It would also be helpful for Bill to examine for himself exactly what needs this friendship serves, given the intensity of contact. Is it an ego boost or has he not actually let go? It’s very easy to go from friend to lover, but to move successfully from lover to friend –
I believe – requires a year or so of non-contact.