Sex ad­vice with Mrs Sal­is­bury

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - ADVICE - Robyn Sal­is­bury is a clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist. Email ques­tions to MrsSal­is­[email protected]­ther­apy.co.nz.

I’m 21 and have been to the men’s med­i­cal clinic, where I was ad­vised I ex­pe­ri­ence con­dom shy­ness as I am un­able to main­tain an erec­tion while putting on a con­dom. This was a re­lief to hear as it was eas­ily fixed by tak­ing Vedafil, which helps with erec­tile dys­func­tion (some­thing I don’t have as

I am fine when I don’t use a con­dom).

My part­ner knows I have this prob­lem and that I take Vedafil. The prob­lem now is that I never know when to take it be­cause I don’t know when we are go­ing to have sex. It’s ef­fec­tive for four hours so I’m al­ways an­tic­i­pat­ing when we might have sex and this takes up too much of my mind and I go through a lot of ex­pen­sive pills, or I am caught out when I don’t have the pills with me or for­get to take them, which means I can­not per­form, which is not a good feel­ing at all! It’s also awk­ward and un­nat­u­ral to ask when we are go­ing to have sex next so I know when to take them. She doesn’t want to take the pill as it has a neg­a­tive ef­fect on her mood. She is also my first sex­ual part­ner, which is good be­cause she has been un­der­stand­ing, how­ever I am aware of the pos­si­bil­ity that she may not be my only. So what do I do in fu­ture re­la­tion­ships where the part­ner does not know of this prob­lem?

This drug is meant to work within half an hour of tak­ing it, so you could wait un­til an op­por­tu­nity arises where you both want sex then pay di­vine at­ten­tion to kiss­ing, ca­ress­ing and cud­dling un­til you’re both ready for in­ter­course – if that is the goal – or what­ever else you two want to do with your erec­tion.

How­ever, I’m con­cerned at you us­ing a drug for erec­tile dys­func­tion when ac­tu­ally your equip­ment works fine. Who puts the con­dom on? Ad­dress your anx­i­ety di­rectly by putting the con­dom on to­gether as part of your love play.

Get your mind on your side by prac­tis­ing en­vis­ag­ing this hap­pen­ing suc­cess­fully and re­mind­ing your­self that erec­tions that go away can come back if you stay calm and shift your fo­cus well away from per­for­mance onto plea­sur­ing each other. This is what love­mak­ing is about.

I’d also en­cour­age you two to have some prac­tice ses­sions when your part­ner is not want­ing in­ter­course, so there’s no pres­sure.

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