Sex ad­vice with Mrs Sal­is­bury

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - ADVICE -

I’m a vir­gin and I think I’m too scared to have sex. Grow­ing up, like many oth­ers, I dreamed of mar­riage and chil­dren. I was a goody-two-shoes though and de­cided to wait un­til I was mar­ried be­fore hav­ing sex – not sure why, I don’t think it was a re­li­gious thing. At uni, I had a cou­ple of fun nights with guys, but re­la­tion­ships didn’t even­tu­ate and I stuck to my no-sex rule. (Cud­dles and kisses only.)

I am now 33, have never been in a se­ri­ous re­la­tion­ship and while I have had the op­por­tu­nity to have sex, I still haven’t. I think in re­cent years though it’s be­cause I’m now too scared, rather than wait­ing for a ring. Be­ing my age with no ex­pe­ri­ence is freak­ing me out, but it also means guys tend to dash af­ter a cou­ple of weeks (I’ve dated three guys in the past nine years, so lim­ited ex­pe­ri­ence there too). Any tips for how I can get over this hur­dle?

It sounds like you are telling your­self that vir­gin­ity at your age is shame­ful! Any­thing you feel shame about be­comes a no-go area as shame by its very na­ture lurks in the shad­ows, mak­ing it very hard to con­front. Shine the spot­light on it and have a frank con­ver­sa­tion with your­self. This sit­u­a­tion has come about from good in­ten­tions, not through any in­ad­e­qua­cies in you.

You impress as hav­ing the courage and strength to be hon­est with your­self; your next step is to be hon­est with oth­ers. “Yes, I would like to go out with you, but I have to ad­mit I’ve be­come ter­ri­fied about my lack of ex­pe­ri­ence.” This has be­come a vi­cious cir­cle for you, with your fears of be­ing thought of as in­ad­e­quate stop­ping you from get­ting the ex­pe­ri­ence you need. Some prospec­tive part­ners may not re­spond pos­i­tively to you be­ing real with them, but that sim­ply in­forms you they are not the right per­son for you.

I would not want any­one to have their first (or sec­ond or 10th!) sex with some­one who did not know this.

You might like to prac­tise by telling a trusted friend and en­list­ing their sup­port in this goal of open­ing a door for your­self to have some new ex­pe­ri­ences. Keep in mind, too, that the abil­ity to en­joy sex and give plea­sure to oth­ers isn’t nec­es­sar­ily de­pen­dent on ex­pe­ri­ence. Many peo­ple who’ve had mul­ti­ple part­ners and ex­pe­ri­ences still don’t en­joy sex or know how to please their part­ners, while oth­ers take to it like ducks to water...

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