She’s a winner but where’s the Ko-risma?
WHERE WAS the charisma, where was the showbiz? No wonder the blokes wore black at the Halbergs. The place was dead – ironic then that the liveliest soul in the place, as usual, was a member of the Adams Family.
The Halbergs heart is in the right place, but on Thursday night it was scarcely beating. And when Lydia Ko was beamed in at the end, the last bit of life seemed to ebb from the room. We know the girl has personality, but it was as if the corporate machine had sucked the juice out of her.
No joy. No thank you, New Zealand. No humour. Just flat line. This is meant to be entertainment, baby.
The greatest music frontmen have always ‘got’ it. Smarts and charisma. The world’s a stage and Mick Jagger is still working it. Rock stars know where it’s at. So why do so many of our sportsmen and women often find it so difficult to show off.
Partly it’s because we live in sanctimonious times and everyone out on the street has a mobile camera. Jesse Ryder wears a bandana like he’s Axl Rose and falls into taxis at 3 o’clock in the morning. Then he gets kicked off the team. Maybe Ryder just gets bored with team meetings and schmoozing sponsors. I am almost starting to sympathise with him.
The corporates have a lot to answer for. You’ve got to look after those image rights. Usain Bolt might be the most charismatic sportsman in the world right now, but there’s sometimes a sense that he’s working the room. The sponsors have become more important than the fans as we again found out on Thursday night when one winner decided to do the big thank you speech. Yawn.
The other day Rory McIlroy was playing the final round in Dubai. He pouted. He gestured angrily at putts. He glared at his caddie. He scarcely acknowledged the crowds. He slouched along like a moody teenager. Where did all the fun go, Rory? You are supposed to be having the time of your life. If you have to brood, at least brood like a rock star.
This year’s Superbowl. The quarterbacks went through the motions like they had microchips in their heads. At halftime Bruno Mars came into the stadium and really put on a show. Don’t like his music but, boy, can he entertain. He is part of a grand tradition, a tradition of showmen that sport was once a big part of.
The top ten front men of music could look like this. In reverse order, Ian Curtis, David Byrne, Johnny Rotten, Kurt Cobain, Iggy Pop, Jim Morrison, Robert Plant, Freddie Mercury, James Brown and, numero uno, Mick Jagger.
Many of today’s sports stars could do with less media training and more lessons in showmanship. Take them to rock concerts. Show them how stars work a crowd. Once upon a time it was second nature. Our top ten frontmen in sport have to be able to play on and off the field. They have to have . . .
10 Charisma
After the Halbergs, how could I resist it? In number ten spot is a horse. Mark Todd’s animal was a moody bugger who scoffed his bedding and won two Olympic golds. Charisma wasn’t much to look at, but he jumped and ran like Carl Lewis. And he had the name. The frontman of an era. He married a film star, he was dragged through the New York club scene by Bjorn Borg and Vitas Gerulaitis and you couldn’t look away when Superbrat was on court. He had the touch of a concert pianist and the rage of a fishwife.
8 Dennis Rodman
Currently on tour in North Korea, ‘the Worm’ was bad on and off the court. He dated Madonna, briefly wed Carmen Electra, appeared in two terrible action movies, dyed his hair all the colours of the lolly shop and was the greatest rebounder in NBA history.
7 David Campese
Aussies. Michael Hutchence wasn’t in a very good band but, boy, could he front. Quade Cooper isn’t in a very good team, but he can front. And then there’s Campo goosestepping on the edge between extravagant success and shameful failure, winning a World Cup and losing a Lions series. Oh, and don’t forget playing lonesome keepyuppy while the All Blacks got all tribal with their haka.
6 Katarina Witt
She didn’t always jump as high as some of the other icy divas, but Witt was mesmerising. She won two Olympic gold medals and used the Stasi for her own ends. In the late eighties Witt turned pro and sold out Madison Garden. She posed nude for Playboy at the age of 34. The issue sold out for the first time since Marilyn Monroe had been the centrefold.
5 Walter Hagen
Seve re-invented the Ryder Cup, he won and lost majors and he had more charisma than one man should be allowed. But Walt was the ultimate showman. He wenched and gargled to an extent that would appall today’s media. He and Babe Ruth were once stopped on Washington Bridge for recklessly driving a car that contained two chorus girls. In the days when pros were banned from clubhouses, Walt checked into the Ritz and was then served a bibulous lunch by a footman while he reclined in a Daimler limousine. Live for show and putt for dough.
4 George Best
Ooh, aah, Cantona, but kung-fu Eric and his gnomic utterances about sardines and seagulls will have to leave the stage to Best. As Best said, ‘‘If I hadn’t been so in love with wine, women and song you would’ve never heard of Pele.’’ Utterly beguiling on the pitch and just as captivating off it. The Wedding Present even named an album after the great man.
Today he would be run out of town. How do you choose between Ian Botham and Viv Richards? Botham lived life to the full and then squeezed some more out of the tube. Beefy was huge fun on and off the pitch and, note to grounded Kiwis, he had the capacity of a brewery. But King Viv, the Master Blaster, had the swagger. Botham was knockabout, Richards had an hauteur. He could look down his nose at royalty and then smash the windows of the palace with a cricket ball.
2 James Hunt
The ultimate playboy, Hunt had ‘‘sex, the breakfast of champions’’ on his overalls. He drove for a lord and they celebrated victory with champagne and ‘birds’. When Hunt joined the more corporate McLaren, he refused to sign the clause demanding he wear suits to sponsors’ functions and turned up in jeans and t-shirt. Yes, yes, yes. When South African officials confiscated a Penthouse magazine from his luggage Hunt protested, ‘‘I need it for business purposes.’’ Super fast on and off the track, Hunt wouldn’t make it out of the garage in 2014.
1 Muhammed Ali
Not the leading sportsman of the century, not by a long shot, but the No 1 showman?
Ali is the torch bearer, the greatest. Enough said.