Auckland’s awesome, but . . .
We’ve got the Blues, expensive houses, the Real Housewives . . . what’s not to love?
Ihave two thoughts about the Real Housewives of Auckland: One, their poor children! Well, rich children . . . but poor children. Two, Auckland is going to get so bullied for this. That show emphasises everything the rest of New Zealand thinks Auckland is. But Auckland is vulnerable right now, so go easy, and try not to say the N word.
I’ve lived in Auckland for seven years, but don’t ask me about it because I’ll deny it!
I’m from Nelson, but then everyone in Auckland is from somewhere else, no one here wants to be from here.
When you hear recaps from tourists who visited New Zealand it’s usually the ‘‘only part’’ they didn’t enjoy. Only part? You obviously didn’t go to enough places!
Record Auckland house prices have been in the news almost every day of 2016. And when we’re trying to point blame I just wish that somewhere there would be a token mention that maybe it’s because Auckland might be a pretty good place to live?
Headline: ‘‘Auckland houses are more expensive than LA’’ – No crap! Auckland is a multicultural South Pacific harbour paradise! Los Angeles is a sprawling traffic nightmare with huge inequality and gang problems (aka what I racistly thought Auckland was growing up in the South Island).
Headline: ‘‘Look how much cheaper this house in Tauranga is’’ - What that article fails to mention, is that the Tauranga home, is in Tauranga.
Growing up reading this newspaper in Nelson, I was genuinely worried that the ‘‘Killer Beez’’ was a real thing! It sounds like the kind of gang my mum would come up with: ‘‘The Killer Beez’’, ‘‘The Angry Kakapos’’, ‘‘The Cheeky Possums’’.
No one is proud of Auckland; no one wears a local rugby jersey with . . . no one wears a local rugby jersey. There are more Hurricanes supporters in Auckland than there are in the empty stadium in Wellington.
Auckland is so embarrassing the Warriors and the Breakers both changed their names to ‘‘New Zealand’’ so they wouldn’t have to be associated with it.
The brilliant Auckland arts, comedy, and film festivals do the same thing. Just put on a roadshow, and call it ‘‘New Zealand’’. Better yet include some Hamilton performances you can call it ‘‘International’’.
Obviously, house prices and traffic are a natural complaint. A byproduct of being a desirable place to live.
People talking about the traffic are more annoying than the actual traffic, the buses kind of work now, and we’re getting a train soon! The ‘‘Downtown Len Brown’’ Memorial Line.
I had this standard ‘‘Auckland sucks’’ conversations with a middle-aged lady who moved to Blenheim ‘‘to get away from the traffic’’. I didn’t want to break it to her that the reason that Blenheim doesn’t have any traffic problems is because it sucks and no one wants to go there.
Too far?! Not far enough? The entire Blenheim economy is based on getting old people so drunk that they don’t realise that they’ve actually paid money to tour a grape farm.
Let’s bring the focus back to Auckland: The rugby team is appalling, the other rugby team is worse, and much of the city architecture looks like it was personally designed by Roger Douglas in the 1980s. And the Viaduct needs a good oldfashioned insurance fraud fire just to make it less depressing.
Burn it to the ground, take a few malls with it, it’s time to turn this thing around.
I think that Auckland is the greatest city in the world!
Why is no one standing and clapping with me?
Since I moved to Auckland I’ve seen the All Blacks beat Australia live in a World Cup semifinal, I was in almost the same seat for the winning six against South Africa in the cricket. I’ve seen the Breakers win four championships on TV, and I’ve seen the Warriors give it a real good crack.
It’s the cultural and artistic centre of the country: Taylor Swift came here once, and the food scene is almost as good as Hamilton’s.
It’s time to stand up and be proud Auckland, or at least slightly less embarrassed.
At the same time, let’s not let this inspirational column distract us from lowering house prices though, eh? They’re ridiculous, and I’m thinking of moving to Blenheim.