What’s your most embarrassing moment?

What are you plugging right now?

I’m doing some shows in New Zealand in November, touring Chopper’s Live from Anzakistan. I’ve been doing it all over Australia and New Zealand and its red hot, and people have been loving it. I’ve also been plugging the holes in my flawed personality.

What’s your idea of perfect happiness?

Dunno, I’m pretty happy. If I owned a helicopter that would be cool. Also a fireman’s pole in my house. And I guess if I had a fireman’s pole in my house I’d also need a second storey.

Which living person do you most admire?

I dunno, no one really comes to mind. Do you have any suggestions? Who’s up to some good stuff right now? Once I used my entree fork to butter a roll. Still don’t eat entrees, the scarring runs deep.

Ever stolen anything?

Yeah, that’s what self-checkouts are for.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

Sometimes my head looks like a giant piece of meat. Generally, I feel pretty good about how I look and then a mirror comes along and ruins it for everybody.

Which living person do you most despise, and why?

I don’t like people who really vocally emote at the news. ‘‘Oh that’s sad!’’ Yeah, I know. I know how to feel about things, I understand that bad things are sad, and I don’t need you to give me cues. Also did it help? No.

What life lesson would you pass on to your children?

Don’t have kids if you don’t want them. In fact, try not to do anything you don’t want to do unless you’re just being a whiny little biggity, and in that case just suck it up and get it done before it becomes a thing.

What job would you do other than your own, and why?

Topiary. I could really zen out trimming hedges for the rest of my life. I’d also like to own Apple and never pay tax again, and profit from people queuing to buy my shiny stuff. – Mike Alexander

Heath Franklin’s Chopper is bringing his show

to Blenheim, Christchurch, Oamaru, Dunedin, Invercargill, Kerikeri, Auckland, New Plymouth, Napier and Rotorua.

Anzakistan Live From