Hoops hip in Godzone
New Zealand basketball has arrived in the wake of the success of Lorde, Lydia Ko (aka golf Lorde) and Jamie Curry (aka comedy Lorde).
I have been tirelessly searching for the next Kiwi girl genius to exploit for money. After three years of searching, I have found her!
Charlisse Leger-Walker is a 15-yearold basketball talent so good she won the MVP of our National Under 23 tournament! I’ve sent an email applying to be her manager, no word back yet but fingers crossed.
Last weekend Leger-Walker scored 48 points in the High School National Championship game – 48 points! At 15 years old! I’m 30 years old, and I couldn’t do that now.
I think I’ve confused age with ‘‘goodness at basketball’’. The point is that I haven’t been this excited about Kiwi hoops since they gave out free Shaquille O’Neal hats for collecting CocoPops barcodes in the 1990s.
Sidebar: how far downhill have the CocoPops box promotions gone?
For the past three years, they’ve alternated between ‘‘cut out a mask of Coco the monkey and have fun with your friends!’’ and ‘‘count how many cool things Coco is doing in this picture’’.
This competition is highly contentious as ‘‘cool’’ is a subjective term, and ‘‘swinging on a rope’’ isn’t cool. Smoking is cool. Remember that kids.
That was a joke, please don’t smoke kids. If you take up smoking after reading my column in the Sunday Star-Times then you are comedically uncool.
What were we talking about again? Basketball! Let’s pretend I write this column by dictating it to a scribe while sitting in a leather armchair next to a fire.
Charlisse Leger-Walker to me represents a new golden era in Kiwi basketball. I say that like we’ve had a previous golden era. Our previous golden era was when Dillon Boucher tried to fight Yao Ming! Google ‘‘Sean Marks dunks on Yao Ming’’, it’s a grainy video but a proud moment in Kiwi history.
Even when we finished 4th at the 2002 World Championships, two places above the United States, we did it in jerseys that promoted the sponsor so predominantly that foreign commentary teams thought our team was representing the Burger Kingdom.
The day after watching Charlisse in the High School Championships on Ma¯ori TV (shout out to Ma¯ori TV), I went to watch The Breakers play at Spark Arena (formerly Vector arena and a train station) in front of thousands of fans.
Watching a huge arena go crazy after a huge Tom Abercrombie shot, I was almost emotional. As a lifetime Kiwi basketball fan, it felt like we’re a real sport now.
The four-time champion Breakers have come a long way from playing in a shack on the North Shore with dancing girls sponsored by Marquis Condoms. I’m getting off track again but If you are going to take on a condom company as a sponsor, its Durex or nothing in my books.
What am I talking about? No one wants to wear a shirt with a condom company on it.
When it comes to sports in Auckland, The Breakers are easily the best show in town. That’s not saying much, but still. Shout out to the Mighty Warriors, Mystics and Blues. Next year is our year.
According to Sports NZ, more than 500,000 Kiwis play basketball every year, and many more follow the top leagues at home and abroad.
Most importantly, NBA jerseys are now statistically the most popular apparel among douche bros at Rhythm and Vines. Kia kaha,
New Zealand.
It’s a shame that football and basketball, the two most popular sports in the world, don’t get more mainstream attention here, but I’m sure that will come as we get better and better results.
The Tall Ferns are looking good with genuine talents such as Antonia Edmondson and Kalani Purcell waiting for more future stars to get through the US college system, or just get a restricted driving licence.
The Men’s team has been a basket case (pun intended) for a few years now thanks to disappointing results and the legal problems of Corey Webster. (Most recently, he was found guilty of assault after pulling a man’s ‘‘Santa beard’’, arguing he couldn’t ‘‘expect to have a white beard like that and not have it pulled on’’.)
If Webster, could just chill for a bit, and let his incredible (borderline NBA level) talent shine, we can combine him with his arguably even more promising brother Tai, and (fingers crossed) Steven Adams, Tom Abercrombie and Isaac Fotu.Then we’d have ourselves a great squad. Call the Burger King! Basketball has arrived!