Alison Mau:
Why can't a woman go topless without fear of being groped?
It’s heartbreaking to think that young women taking part in one of summer’s great pleasures – hanging out with mates at a festival – cannot do so safely, whatever they choose to do with their boobs. It’s heartbreaking to see the feebleminded, rape-apologist abuse that 20-year-old Madeline AnelloKitzmiller has faced since she was assaulted at Rhythm and Vines a week ago.
Actually, scrub that. It’s not heartbreaking. Too late for that. Our hearts have been breaking over this shiz for generations. Thanks to the revelations of 2017; the Weinstein monster and Louis CK’s uninvited masturbation and all the many, many others, we’re all bloody furious.
It’s enraging, not heartbreaking. You can see, hear and feel this among women young and old on social media and in interviews on mainstream platforms. It’s in the words of the organisers of Times Up, the campaign formed by Hollywood women that promises to help women from lower paying industries get justice in sexual harassment cases.
They came together in anger, says cochair of the Nike Foundation Maria Eitel, not because they wanted to ‘‘whine, or complain, or tell a story or bemoan. They came together because they intended to act. There was almost a ferociousness to it.’’
As far back as early November – and doesn’t THAT seem like eons ago – Rebecca Traister wrote in New York Magazine that ‘‘the anger window is open’’.
‘‘This is ‘70s-style, organic, mass, radical rage, exploding in unpredictable directions,’’ she wrote.
How timely that we now have our own shame and anger to examine, thanks to Ms Anello-Kitzmiller’s treatment. If you haven’t watched the video she made for Facebook on Wednesday, I urge you please do. In seven minutes Madeline makes her case calmly and logically – and ironically, shows not a single shred of anger. Of course, she was angry in that moment at R & V. In the Facebook video she tells us exactly why – two months ago in her US hometown of Portland, she was groped in the same way, this time while fully clothed. ‘‘I promised myself that the next person to touch me like that, I would punch in the face.’’
Oh, and for all those sudden legal ‘‘experts’’ concerned that her retaliation four slaps to his face - is somehow graver than the groper’s actions, don’t waste your breath with attempts at false equivalence.
No-one is condoning violence. Many feel she was right to defend herself. Last time she was groped she had clothes on, and it made no difference at all.
It should be such a simple concept, the idea that grabbing someone’s breast without consent is assault, but the debate about Madeline’s choice of attire at R & V shows we are still struggling with it.
For those who still reckon Madeline was in the wrong for going topless at a festival, and there are many, a little context:
Rhythm and Vines explicitly invited nudity.
There was $50 at the waterslide for the first man and woman willing to tackle the slide naked. The body paint stall where Madeline and several dozen others got their #glittert*** explicitly offered bare skin options.
The stallholder told media she offered the service because glitter boobs are popular at overseas festivals – when asked by some guys ‘‘can we get glitter on our balls?’’ and one of her staff agreed to oblige, she charged them $20.
Those guys then walked around the festival with glittery testicles and no-one subjected them to the kind of abuse, harassment, and assault that Madeline got.
I’m not the only one riled by all of this. The anger is ongoing on social media as I write this and it’s coming from all genders. There’s a feeling, with many women’s issues, that we do not need men to stand up for us or indeed any of their reckons. Today though, there are some perspectives that are helping.
A male friend wrote this on Facebook: ‘‘Don’t comment on a woman’s body. Don’t stare. Don’t make rape jokes. Don’t touch a woman without her enthusiastic consent. And speak up and take action when you see this behaviour happening.’’ This man has walked his talk; he saw a male cyclist assault a fellow competitor during a recent bike race, and reported him to organisers.
Another Kiwi man I follow posted this: ‘‘What bugs me ... is that the dickhead was with a bunch of mates obviously egging him on. This s… needs to stop. My wife and I have spoken to our teenage sons about this. If you’ve got boys, talk to them.’’
And the last word goes to Graham Cameron from Tauranga, who writes a blog called First We Take Manhattan.
In an open letter to Madeline’s as-yetunnamed groper, he admits that once upon a time he’d done the same thing.
‘‘Inside you know you’re a normal guy, so you can’t be an abuser. Your mates will tell you that. Your Dad will tell you that. Men on social media will tell you that. The New Zealand Herald will tell you that. ‘‘Bro, they’re wrong. You’re an abuser. ‘‘It’s a horrible feeling. But the first thing you can do is apologise. Not for the show. Not through the media. Ring the police in Gisborne, explain who you are and that you’d like to apologise. They’ll be more than happy to make it happen in a way that is safe for Madeline.
‘‘Whatever it takes, apologise. No excuses, no minimising.’’
‘‘I got to say sorry to some of the women I hurt but not all of them. Some of my apologies were rubbish: I’m sorry if you felt hurt by what I did. Some of my apologies were sincere and redeeming.
‘‘I’ve spent my whole life since trying to make something good out of who I was. And I’ve done some good. But I wish I hadn’t started out as such an unsafe person for women.
‘‘I know how you’re feeling bro. You can make this better than it currently is.’’
Graham told me he found the post hard to write, but felt the issue was important enough to take the risk. Today I hope his words are heard and understood.