Life hack: Your guide to skiving off

How to take the perfect sickie tomorrow? Well, for a start that’s not a question to ask Google while you’re on your computer at work. And you needed to have started laying the groundwork on Friday.

There should have been a persistently audible cough, loudly asking if anyone’s got Panadol and declining the morning tea shout because you’re feeling a bit gippy. These set you up for the critical Monday communique, which must always be by text or email, never on the phone.

Attention to detail is important here. Start by saying how you feel much worse than you did on Friday, and above all make sure you spell diarrhoea correctly.

And don’t forget, it’s really important that you describe your symptoms accurately. But if you haven’t already laid the groundwork for a sickie tomorrow, don’t worry. There are other options.

For instance, you could claim to be observing Runeberg’s Day which celebrates the birthday in 1804 of Johan Ludwig Runeberg, Finnish national poet and author of the lyrics to the Finnish national anthem.

The credibility of your claim will be enhanced by presenting your boss on Wednesday morning with a Runeberg torte (a small pastry flavoured with almonds and topped off with raspberry jam inside a sugar ring) while humming ‘‘Oi maame, Suomi, synnyinmaa soi, sana kultainen!’’ (Oh our land, Finland, land of our birth, ring out the golden word!)

And if all else fails there’s always the last resort of alien abduction. You’ll need to stage a few elements for this like scorch marks on your front lawn as evidence of the spacecraft landing. Scattering the leftover coals of a charcoal barbecue is perfect for this.

Opinion is divided as to whether you’ll need a credible claim of having undergone an alien examination, so that’s an optional choice depending on your personal preference.

However what’s not optional is to claim a period of missing time as this is a universal feature of all alien abductions. My recommendation here is to be specific and claim that the time you went missing was between the hours of 8.30am and 5.30pm on Monday 5 February.

And whatever you do, don’t forget not to go to work on Waitangi Day on Tuesday.