Caleb Carnie
Newspaper designer
We were six years married and on the trip of a lifetime, when I realised I that I didn’t know, what I didn’t know about love. Travelling for a long time overseas with anyone can be delicate, especially so with a partner who is your functional opposite. Both being keen to get the best out of time spent in the world’s beauty spots, with completely different expectations and ways of doing so, can be a road to a Split, Croatia. Which, dear reader, is where we found ourselves. On the beach, on the rocks.
Commitment has never cost me any sleep. I’ve literally never seen or met anyone nearly as attractive or interesting to me as Her, I’ve never agonised all that much about ‘The One’. Great role models, in my parents, laid down a basic level of relational competency, a privilege to be thankful for every year of my life. But what I didn’t have an understanding of was the terrifying vulnerability of complete trust.
Our travel scraps have always remained for me a ridiculous touchstone of what love in an enduring relationship is. Conflict to communication to resolution are the bread and butter of any match, but what came next changed things for me. Like grownups, we maturely committed ourselves to giving the other the most relaxing and enjoyable time, (despite how un-fun and tedious it seemed), at the same time trusting that they were doing the same for you. In other words, you take care of me, I’ll take care of you, and neither of us will fight our own corner. At all.
Scale that up for a moment to less silly issues, and you’ll get an idea of how that plays out in life’s big moments. Family, career, health, money, it’s scary putting my defining needs and hopes into someone else’s hands. It goes against my own selfishness, my own need to control, and when the stakes are high, it can take a person to a very vulnerable place. But that’s why it works. Both saying, ‘‘I’m climbing out onto this limb here, and I am giving you the saw’’. Trust, the quantification of love; the action, not just the word.
Nowadays that trip is a memory as we deal with parenting dramas, a single-income, sleep-deprivation blah, blah, blah, but the lesson has never served me more. When I get graspy, when I get greedy, as soon as my taking surpasses my giving, it all starts getting tough. And that’s when I know it’s time to stop sulking and double-down on the giving, time for me to look out for Number One. (Note to self: Number One is not you).
Happy Valentines, Number One.
Caleb has been with his ‘Number One’ for 16 years, married for 12 of them.