Aunts versus uncles
It’s time to settle the age-old debate; who’s better, aunties or uncles? People have been asking themselves this very question since the dawn of time, when aunties and uncles were first created.
I can hear you saying now, ‘‘but aunties and uncles are different for everyone’’. Well, you’re wrong. You think the members of your family are all unique, but they’re not. We each have the family member who drinks too much, the one who steals money and the one doesn’t know they’re adopted*.
So sure, not all uncles are created equal and not all aunties are created equal, but there are indelible qualities held by each that can be objectively assessed. Here today, once and for all, I assess these qualities and make a final determination about who is better.
As both a niece and an aunty, I am in a rare and uniquely qualified position to be making this final judgment call.
I have five nieces and nephews and I am very fond of almost all of them. In my short time being an aunty, I’ve discovered it’s nothing like having children, as you definitely have a favourite.
I’ve also discovered, that the skills it takes to become an aunty or uncle are not skills you learn over time, instead, they arrive overnight.
I have once licked my own thumb and then used it to wipe mess off the face of one of my niblings**, a behaviour I would have once derided in other people, but immediately adopted after the birth of my first niece. Rest assured, this experience has fully prepared me for writing this column.
Pros of Aunties
They’re very good at asking questions. Are you seeing anyone at the moment? Is that what you want to be wearing? Will you make me a cup of tea?
If there were an aunty super power, it would be the ability to ask a question cleverly disguised as a statement.
For example, ‘‘You’re not staying for dinner?’’ is seemingly benign question but in actuality, it’s a fully formed monologue that roughly translates as, ‘‘Oh, you think you’re such hot stuff. Well, guess what? You don’t spend enough time with your family. Your values have changed. You think you’ve outgrown investing time with the ones who raised you. Well, I’ve got news for you. Your family are the only ones who are going to be here for you when your work is gone. So, I suggest you get off your high horse and you make a little room to spend some time with your Aunty Cindy, just like she made room to be there on your first day of school.’’
Aunties are currently in the lead. They always have biscuits are their house and crucially, the rules of eating biscuits at aunties’ houses are different from eating them at your parents’ house.
At an aunty’s house, biscuits are fair game whenever you want them. At your mum’s house, they’re only allowed once you’ve eaten all your lunch. In this respect, aunties are better than mothers.
However, mothers retain the overall lead on account of raising you. But I digress, this is a competition between aunties and uncles.
Pros of Uncles
Good with rope. Generally, they can tie all your standard knots and accomplish these both on land and at sea.
They always have the most up-todate technology. When Blu-Ray hit the market, there was no question as to where I was watching my remastered director’s-cut of Forrest Gump.
Cons of Aunties
Often married to uncles. Struggling to think of something else.
Cons of Uncles
Long toenails that they refuse to trim. Often divorced from aunties.
Final Tally
After a thorough examination, it’s clear that aunties have come out on top. In the end, it was not a closely fought battle, a clear winner quickly and decisively emerged.
This will now be regarded as indisputable, objective fact. Condolences uncles and congratulations aunties.
* It’s you Chris!
** ‘Niblings’ – a word Google informs me was coined to cover both nieces and nephews. Technically, it is yet to gain ‘‘dictionary acceptance’’. So, in that respect, it is no more a word than, ‘‘niecephews’’, the word I have coined to mean nieces and nephews and ‘‘unties’’, (pronounced uun-teeeees), the word I’ve devised for uncles and aunties.