Tragic life of an NBA fan
I’m tall! I am 1.98 metres, or just under 6 feet, 5 inches. Overall, I’m not complaining. It’s great being a lanky freak show, but there are a few minor disadvantages.
Clothes don’t fit. I think this is generally a problem for everyone, but I was the only 17-year-old working at McDonald’s in a crop top and three-quarter pants. People laugh when I put on the XXL helmet at the Rotorua luge.
I get into moronic arguments with people on the street about how tall I am: ‘‘You can’t be 6ft 5in! I’m 6ft 7in and you’re taller than me?!’’ One of us is wrong. It’s him.
I could never figure out how my favourite Nelson Giants/Breakers player Mika Vukona was listed as shorter than me in metres but taller than me in feet.
People bring it up for no reason. I’m so tall I think I startle people.
I guess it’s a compliment. You’d never say it for any other body type: ‘‘Please drive on down to the next window… Wow! You’re fat’’.
I guess that’s why I got into basketball. It’s like a support group for people who physically can’t fly economy class on budget airlines.
Almost every time someone awkwardly blurts out ‘‘You’re tall’’, I give the same response:
‘‘Sorry about that, I’m a failed basketball player’’. Which is true.
I wish I’d been given some better careers advice at high school: ‘‘Guy, here’s a photo montage of the all the best basketball players in the world… and here’s a photo of you… are we noticing a trend here?’’
‘‘Don’t worry, Guy, here’s a photo montage of the richest people in the world… I feel like things are going to work out OK!’’
Since ‘‘retiring’’ from professional basketball (due to not being good enough), I’ve become a basketball super fan.
I watch the NBA almost every day during the season, I own 14 fan jerseys, I host an NBA podcast (this is starting to sound sad), I’ve travelled to Oklahoma City (a city where the No 1 thing to do on TripAdvisor is to visit the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial) just to watch Steven Adams play.
I’m convinced there are hundreds of thousands of others like me in New Zealand. Tall people with bad posture trying to hide their height. And they’re basketball fans!
We don’t know how many Kiwis subscribe to NBA League pass or illegal NBA streams, but judging by the amount of NBA gear you see in the street, there are a lot.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure people wearing Brooklyn Nets caps aren’t aware that the team is so bad that former part-owner Jay-Z had to write a rap about how he was fine even if his team lost every game of the season. And they almost did.
Or maybe people wearing Nets gear are super fans supporting the team’s Kiwi general manager Sean Marks as he heroically tries to save a disastrous franchise.
The worst thing about being a Kiwi NBA fan is access. The games happen during work hours, and it costs a lot to see a game live (the bombing memorial is free).
This is how I discovered the New Zealand Breakers.
It took me a long time to get into The Breakers. The inaugural season they played in a shack, had hideous golden uniforms and dancers sponsored by a condom company.
Since then, they’ve flourished, winning four Australian championships.
They play in a 10,000-seat waterfront stadium and their new black kit with Koru print and blue trim is the best in Kiwi sports behind only the All Blacks. They just played an NBA game against the Phoenix Suns!
That’s just the superficial stuff (which matters a lot to me). On the floor, this will be a thrilling team to watch. I’m most excited about its all-Kiwi backcourt of emerging talent – Shea Ili throwing passes to returning star shooter Corey Webster, aka the Kiwi Steph Curry.
If you’re a basketball tragic like me, get behind The Breakers this season. As the Hurricanes used to say before they finally won: ‘‘This year is our year’’.