Tips to survive Christmas parties
Christmas! A celebration of the birth of Christ, or the best marketing campaign Coca-Cola has ever come up with? Whether you believe in Christianity or capitalism, it doesn’t matter, because at Christmas, we all come together, bound by one thing and one thing only – exhaustion over the number of social gatherings, work and familial, you have to attend in the month of December.
It can be overwhelming, but it’s important to remember there’s a lot of good that can be taken from the holiday season.
Christmas is, without a doubt, the happiest and horniest time of the year.
It’s a beautiful festive month where communities come together to celebrate and reflect on the year that’s been, but more importantly, everyone is getting drunk on weeknights and they’re ready to make some bad decisions.
There is nothing quite like the office Christmas party, where you finally get to see your co-workers’ after-work personalities.
So, in the spirit of Christmas, here are a collection of tips to help you navigate the festive party season:
Work parties
A work party is a minefield of social disasters and faux pas, which is why it’s my favourite type of holiday occasion.
Who’s going to hook up with who? Who’s going to be revealed to have been taking from the till? Who’s getting let go over the summer break? Will they still write me a good reference if it was me who was taking from the till?
The questions are endless, and it’s impossible to cover every scenario, so consider these a select, and not exhaustive, list of curated tips:
1. Make a list of what you really think about everyone in the office, write it down on a piece of paper and then burn that paper. This way, you’ll have had an opportunity to vent, and are more likely to avoid yelling at James from accounting that you hate how he always heats up fish in the microwave for lunch.
2. Bring a pack of cigarettes, even if you don’t smoke. At a party, cigarettes are worth their weight in gold* and nothing is better than having a smoke with your drunk boss while he or she tells you about how they tried to fire Jenny this year, but couldn’t because her brother knows the chief executive.
3. Pack a spare change of clothes. The office intern will inevitably be overwhelmed by the free alcohol and throw up on someone. I’m not saying it’ll be you, but it’s not going to be me. So by a process of elimination, it’s most likely you.
4. Please be conscious of the environment. When everyone is putting their butts on the photocopier, please ask that they scan the prints and upload them on the office intranet rather than printing each one out. As your gift to the environment, save on paper. We have to be mindful of the waste we’re creating.
5. If you decide to hook up with James from accounting, remember that Linda from sales had a thing with him and said he microwaves fish in the morning for breakfast too. Do not stay the night.**
* I actually have no idea if their weight in gold would make them worth a lot. If it wouldn’t, I guess this metaphor is really flawed.
** I appreciate that this tip feels very specific, but it’s important that for the people it applies to, it exists in writing.
Family parties
1. Arrive early and do some very quick greetings;
2. Find the chilly bin with the alcohol in it; 3. Take a bottle of wine, or a box of beers (base this decision on personal preference);
4. Walk upstairs to an unoccupied bedroom (or the front of the house, if it’s a single storey);
5. Drink alone and then make an appearance as the party is winding down (I call this technique ‘‘book-ending’’).
And the No 1 family Christmas party festive tip is…say you’re sick and it’s better if you don’t come, because you might be contagious!