‘‘Baby was born just as I entered the room. Some see it as great timing, others as terrible timing. Don’t ask my wife.’’
Iwas once a nervous first time dadto-be. Now I’m somehow qualified to teach other new dads some tricks of the trade. That’s right! I got a TV show!
Ok it’s not a TV show, it’s a web series.
It’s called How To Dad Bootcamp. And yes I’m contractually obliged to wear gumboots every episode to tie in with the title.
So, as this production company tells me, I’m a dad expert so I’m helping other dads get ready for the pending arrival of their blob of jelly.
However, you may be shocked to hear I wasn’t always an onto it dad.
The 2013 version of me thought I was well prepared. First kid was coming; I had been told to pack a lot of food because the hospital food was crap. I packed heaps of sandwiches. Like, heaps.
First up, on the drive to hospital I failed at driving. Apparently I was hitting every bump possible and then driving too slow and then way too fast and then way too slow again.
I was so stressed I ate a sandwich. We arrived at the hospital. I helped my wife inside. This was it. We had at least a few hours until baby would arrive.
Within 30 minutes I had nervously eaten all the sandwiches.
Four hours in, no baby. No food. Terrible indigestion. Dad fail.
2015 saw me almost miss the birth of my second kid.
I wasn’t dramatically racing across town or anything; I was just on the crapper.
I did drive better this time, and now being experienced at ‘‘dad support through child birth’’, my wife and I were much more relaxed. When we arrived she even agreed that baby wouldn’t be here for awhile yet, so yes, I could go off for my morning toilet visit. Fantastic.
I took my time. Shuffled down the corridors. Looked at all the baby photos on the walls. Looked out the windows at random stuff and read all the random hospital signs.
Arrived at the throne. Played some Angry Birds on my phone. No rush.
After washing my hands I headed back out to the corridor to hear a muffled scream.
I thought to myself, ‘‘poor lady in there’’.
That muffled scream then became clearer – ‘Joooordddaaann!’ Bugger.
I ran down the corridor, busted open the door and bam, baby was born just as I entered the room. Some see it as great timing, others see it as terrible timing. Don’t ask my wife which.
The latest 2018 edition went off without a hitch. I didn’t even complain about how sore my back was from standing and Nala greeted the world hassle-free.
Now, with three ‘‘dad support’’ childbirths under my belt, I’m a bit of a pro. I know what to do and what not to do. Pack heaps of sandwiches, but don’t eat all the sandwiches straight away. Poop quickly. Don’t miss the birth. Never complain about having a sore back or feet. (Apparently your partner doesn’t like hearing that when midway through a 68-second contraction.) Don’t forget to pack the baby car seat. They are difficult to carry home on a Lime scooter.
Yes, I’m officially a dad pro with three degrees in dadding. Why not spread my Disdom? (Dad wisdom.)
That’s where How to Dad Bootcamp comes in. I’m preventing these dadsto-be from making the young buck mistakes I did.
Every Wednesday at 7:30pm you can catch my little show on Facebook Watch. It’s basically YouTube for Facebook and you don’t need a Facebook account to watch.
Just Google ‘Facebook Watch’ then search ‘How to Dad’ and you’ll see the Bootcamp episodes.
They may not be scientific, but they get the job done. Sort of. Don’t hold me to that.
Baby was born just as I entered the room. Some see it as great timing, others see it as terrible timing. Don’t ask my wife which.