Talking about a revolution
Guy Williams gives us his New Year’s Revolutions.
The world is in chaos. We’re in the midst of an environmental catastrophe and on the brink of another catastrophic war. What better time for me to release another edition of one of my most widely hated and derided columns: My New Year’s Revolutions 2020.
This is the fifth instalment of a column the world didn’t even need one of.
A lot of people are very interested in how many of my revolutions I actually complete every year and to those people, I say, that is between me and God.
Unfortunately, God is a snitch and has been telling everyone that I have done zero to punish me for being an atheist.
And to that I say, ‘‘God! Shhhhhhhh, give me a break man, I’m doing my best.’’
A lot of people are also interested in how I can be an atheist who also speaks to God, one of the many ways that I am like Donald Trump. God works in mysterious ways, no more questions. Now after a little bit more ado…
Ado!
It’s time for my New Year’s Revolutions 2020: 1) Google and memorise three of a band’s songs before you wear said band’s T-shirt in public. 2) Have a kid to justify constantly feeling tired all the time.
3) Always remember: Being an idiot is not a crime. 4) Lobby Facebook to install an ‘‘I’ve seen that you’ve seen’’ function on Messenger.
5) Lobby Facebook to stop destroying traditional media revenue streams, spreading fake news, hate speech, and misinformation.
6) Start going to open homes again, to look into other people’s lives and try to figure out what’s wrong with them.
7) Pitch the next #AirNZSafteyVideo with the theme ‘‘under two minutes.’’
8) Either stop using the cry-laugh emoji online or start actually cry-laughing in real life.
9) Be grateful to live in New Zealand, a country where media and elections aren’t completely controlled by money… yet.
10) Stop whistling the Harry Potter theme song when you hear someone say ‘‘Chamber of Commerce’’ on the news. 11) Remember: It’s easy to blame other people for your problems.
12) Become more culturally aware. I’m very white and when I say I’m a huge fan of Prince I mean the tennis racket manufacturer.
13) Remember what Trump taught us – lying works.
14) Stop getting angry at the car in front for driving the speed limit: ‘‘WHAT SORT OF IDIOT DRIVES 100KM IN A 100KM ZONE?’’
15) Be nicer and more respectful to other people. I often use rudeness as a form of comedy but unfortunately, some people don’t understand jokes and get really offended. I’m worried that comedy has helped erode society’s standards and now Trump is president and it’s all my fault.
16) Write a better Happy Birthday Song. It’s crazy that we have only one song for everyone’s cake ceremony and it’s terrible. It’s impossible to sing, let along harmonise, and it’s flat and depressing. We’ve all sung it thousands of times but we have not improved. Surely it’s time for a change?
17) Calling her ‘‘wifey’ makes me want to stab myself with a ‘‘knifey’’.
18) Think up a good excuse for when future kids ask us why we destroyed the planet, because ‘‘it was hard and I really liked driving around’’ won’t cut it.
19) Read more, eat better, spend more time helping charities and non-profits, work harder, become more spiritual, be a better friend and partner. 20) Take a digital detox. Also, give up the P.
21) Make another season of New Zealand Today. 22) Stop asking ‘‘Any chance of a buy now?’’ on Trade Me.
23) Remember: Failure is always an option.
24) Stop writing lazy jokes to fill out the word count.
25) Don’t just stop writing when you make it to the word cou