Richmond? Nah, these are streets ahead
I’m heading to my home town of Nelson to do a show on Friday, and I’m choking under the pressure. Who from my past will be in the crowd? Will I disappoint them? Will it sell out? The answers, of course, are ‘‘one former teacher’’, ‘‘yes’’, and ‘‘no’’.
Most importantly, I don’t want to feel like a tourist. Normally, being an outsider is a huge advantage in stand-up – you show up, you notice the three weird things about the town, and the locals love you: ‘‘This is a beautiful place, the haka is intimidating, but not as intimidating as airport security if you have an apple.’’ Pause for applause.
I want Nelson to feel like a home-town gig, but I’m out of the loop. A quick scan of the Nelson Mail and nothing has changed. Freedom campers are still a bit too free; we’re trying to do more recycling, kinda; and, of course, every week there’s a new gang in town. But not a gang you’ve heard of, its some weird off-brand Australian outfit that sounds like something Taika Waititi came up with as a joke: ‘‘Watch out, it’s the Slippery Sneaks.’’
One story from 2018 caught my eye: Queen St wins best street in New Zealand. I was shocked. I don’t mind Queen St in Auckland, but it’s far from our best. Unless the standard is having the most
Burger Kings, it’s not in the top 10 for me.
You can imagine my shock when I discovered the article was about Queen St, Richmond. I had to Google it. I lived in Nelson for 20 years, I didn’t even know that they bothered giving that street a name.
Apparently Queen St in Richmond’s shocking win came from Keep NZ Beautiful. It’s an award I don’t respect because they named Feilding New Zealand’s Most Beautiful Town 17 times in 30 years. Don’t get me wrong, I like Feilding, but the only award it should win 17 times in a row is Most Likely to Not Catch a Murderer.
So what is New Zealand’s best street? Google doesn’t know. New Zealand Monopoly is pretty much based only on property values. (Side note: how much of a push is it to find four train stations in New Zealand? Frankton Junction? They would be better off switching to bus depots?)
I like to think of myself as a minor authority on New Zealand small towns. Through many gigs and cancelled TV shows, I’ve been to pretty much all of them. So I made a list. In case Keep NZ Beautiful wants to take a trip outside of Feilding this year.
Guy’s top streets in New Zealand 2020 Victoria Ave, Whanganui
Whanganui does one street and it does it well. Victoria Ave has some beautiful buildings, a good mix of shops, and some genuinely great food. It starts at the park and finishes at the river/in-hill powered elevator that takes you to one of the best lookouts in the country. Go there, I’m not lying.
Oxford Tce, Christchurch
Not technically a street, but I was really impressed when I saw how this area has developed. The river is beautiful, the bridge of remembrance is beautiful, and the new Riverside Market is . . . beautiful . . . or at least has good food.
Palmerston St, Westport
If you haven’t been to the West Coast of the South Island, you’re missing out. It feels like it’s from another time. While most towns’ shopping streets feature fake fashion brands attempting to recreate clothes from the 1980s and 1990s, in Westport they’re literally still selling stock from the 80s and 90s. It’s awesome.
Stafford St, Timaru
I’m going to be honest with you, I’ve only been down this street once but it was a good time.
Gladstone Rd, Gisborne
Gladstone Rd has got palm trees, a clocktower, and it finishes at the river. I have not done this intentionally but four of the five streets I’ve picked lead to a river. That’s something to bring up in therapy!
See you on Friday, Mr Higgins. I hope I don’t let you down.