‘We miss them terribly’: Far and away grandparents’ toughest job
Cellphones, Skype and Facetime are now the essential tools to keep modern families together. Virginia Fallon talks to those who are going the distance.
It’s the little things you miss the most: the wiggly teeth, the lazy conversations, those long slow walks with a little hand in yours. Chester Borrows sees his grandsons all the time; just not in person. Modern technology means the Taranaki man can connect with his family in Canada, though it’s not the same as being with them.
It was in April 2018 he was last able to cuddle the now seven-year-old Jimmy and three-year-old Ben, and he doesn’t know when he’ll get to do it again. It could be in a year but more likely it’ll be least another two, and it’s tough thinking about what he’s missing out on.
‘‘Time is precious and as you get older you recognise that.’’
Borrows, a former National MP, and his wife Ella have been grandparenting by distance ever since their first grandson Jimmy was born.
It’s never been ideal – grandkids are the reward for all those years of hard parenting slog, after all – but the Covid pandemic has made things all the more difficult.
While the couple has always tried to visit the children in Calgary at least once a year, travel has become impossible due to closed borders.
Borrows now suspects that could mean it will ultimately be five years between visits.
‘‘It’s pretty tough,’’ he admits.
‘‘At this young age they change so quickly and in the time that we haven’t been able to see them Ben’s started speaking, and they got teeth and lost teeth, and started school and done all those little milestones that grandparents love to celebrate. We miss them terribly, and I know they certainly miss us.’’
Borrows isn’t feeling sorry for himself, just musing on things. Modern life means modern family dynamics and there are ways to manage. He says the most ‘‘miraculous thing’’ is the availability of Facetime and Skype.
It doesn’t make up for those in-person interactions, but he’s seen the benefits; it means far away family members aren’t strangers and can at least be involved in celebrations and daily life. Despite that, he says grandparents need to be realistic and patient about the pressures those video calls can put on families.
‘‘Sometimes a little kid isn’t going to want to sit and talk on a video; sometimes they want to go and
play with their toys, and you have to look at that like it’s a nice thing because they’re treating you like you’ll always be there for a chat.’’
Still, it’s hard.
‘‘Going for a walk with a little kid holding your hand is such a privilege, they choose to hold your hand and its just so cool. Missing out on those things is something that really yanks on the heart strings.’’
Psychologist Dr Sarb Johal says people find things the most difficult when there’s been a change. Those who have always grandparented by distance will have found solutions, yet those who have been used to seeing the grandkids every week will find the separation most poignant.
‘‘Also particularly if there are other grandparents involved, some grandparents will feel ‘if only I could be as close as the other set of grandparents are’, so there’s almost a double feeling of missing out. That can be a difficult emotion for people to figure out – it can feel a bit yucky – but you can’t avoid it if you’re experiencing that.’’
While we can rely on modern technology to bridge the gap, Johal agrees with Borrows that you have to be realistic about those video calls.
‘‘It can feel quite pressured, particularly if they’re young children, to perform and be in front of the screen.
‘‘Acknowledging sometimes it’s not going to go so well, and sometimes it’s OK just for the grandparents to watch rather than have a particular interaction.
‘‘That brings its own rewards, just observing what it is they’re up to, rather than having a detailed conversation about anything in particular.’’
He says asking specific questions – ‘‘that’s a nice shirt where did you get that from’’ – will help young children engage.
Talking about things the children are interested in, or sharing stories about what their parents liked when they were little can also be helpful.
Most importantly though, everyone needs to accept the world is changing and grandparents need to manage their expectations when they compare their own relationships with grandparents to those they now have with their grandchildren.
‘‘We can fall into the trap of almost imposing what it is we experienced onto what’s going on with the family in the present day. It’s understandable, but we need to understand we need to adapt.’’
It doesn’t mean those precious bonds between the generations are lesser, just different.
‘‘We can still bring that to life – we can still tell stories.’’
‘‘It’s pretty tough. At this young age they change so quickly ... and reach all those little milestones that grandparents love to celebrate. We miss them terribly, and I know they certainly miss us.’’ Chester Borrows