The pitfalls of getting back into dating after years out of the game
Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the managing partner – relationship expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.
After more than two decades of marriage and a recent three-year break, I’m now back in the dating game but finding it hard to find someone who really excites me. Either I don’t like them or they don’t return my calls. How can I find someone where the feelings are mutual?
You mentioned the words ‘excites me’. Many mature people re-entering the dating scene have been brainwashed by movies and influencer clips to expect nothing less than the heady and chemical spark experience of instant attraction. I assure you that’s not the prerequisite for a successful union.
If you are discounting a match on the lack of an initial spark, you may be short-changing yourself of other qualities which, when given space and time to be discovered, create the sustainable spark.
Similarly, are you getting in your own way with a rigid checklist? Maybe examine your ideal – is it a bit hard to live up to? It’s OK to have non-negotiables that reflect your values, but casting your judgy part aside and bringing a curious and open mind to your search for companionship will quite possibly surprise you and bring out the best in you.
Finally, ageing is a privilege that we are allowed to embrace and respect. In your heart and mind you may still feel 20, but your body and mindset may be running a different programme. Is it possible that any recent experiences of unrequited admiration reflect unrealistic expectations? Some people in their mature life stage still dream of dating the types they once courted decades ago. In short, aim to be a bit tougher on your expectations and a bit easier on people you haven’t met yet.
Ask a trusted friend if they think your high expectations could get in the way of giving good humans a chance with you. There are many fabulous, interesting, mature people out there also looking for a genuine relationship and there will be someone for you if you are looking with the right perspective.
When I was young and single I had no trouble finding a date, so you can imagine my surprise when after 25 years of marriage and a divorce, it’s a lot harder to meet someone. I’ve tried a couple of apps but didn’t enjoy it and I feel like I should be able to do this on my own.
Recent research and my anecdotal experience suggests that you are not alone... In fact, you have raised a common challenge and question!
In a recent app satisfaction survey, 65% of people found dating apps or online platforms to be disappointing and time-consuming. Common complaints are that profiles don’t reflect reality, or that these sites and apps can be a playground for people not looking for genuine relationships and they don’t provide privacy. In looking for love in ‘app land’, you will have the opportunity to meet all types but not necessarily singles who prefer the personal route to find lasting companionship.
Some people choose to use a dating agency to sort the wheat from the chaff.
From my experience, people who use agencies recognise that human nature is complex and they appreciate the human touch of matching. An introduction by a common friend is how they like to meet people.
Many who invest in matchmaking have busy, interesting lives and want to outsource and fast-track the time-consuming process of the initial due diligence to establish compatibility. Being introduced by a third party to someone who’s single, compatible with your values, on-brief for what you’re looking for and interested in meeting you leapfrogs a lot of time and energy-consuming steps.
Some people view engaging a matchmaker the same way they view using a personal trainer at the gym or enlisting a friend in their search. They have full lives but aren’t often meeting new single people, or don’t have a way of knowing if people they meet are single. This, by the way, is completely normal for most of us by the time we reach our 50s.
I have observed that some people who join agencies initially feel nervous about signing up, only to discover that it is indeed a really personable and nurturing experience, not to mention an efficient time-saver.
Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at tiare@compatico.co.nz. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won’t publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.